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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2018 4:34 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
Why are Newcastle cabbies blocking the city streets

well what else are they going to do while they wait for the boat to come in

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2018 5:09 am 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
Feminism is like a computer game

loads of angry birds

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 6:29 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The ‘violator’ for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an A*******!”
Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer, “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir.
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for A*******?”
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2018 5:22 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent"...
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week"...
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing"...

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2018 12:55 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 6:10 am 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
and oldie but goody

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .

"I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."

Helmut agrees

So off they go the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.

"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."

This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).

But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"

"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique."

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 1:00 pm 
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How do you kill a circus ????,,,,,,,,,,,,,, go for the juggler! :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2018 12:59 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
A rich businessman goes to see his solicitor about his pending divorce

I've got some good and bad news says the solicitor

"start with the good news then" says the businessman

"well" says the solicitor "your wife is accepting the divorce and you get to keep your business :
yes , clever woman your wife she's bought some nudes for about £100,000 which she reckons she can get millions for"

" I don't remember her mentioning those who are they of ? : says the businessman

"you and your secretary" says the solicitor

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