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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2018 5:34 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
Why are Newcastle cabbies blocking the city streets

well what else are they going to do while they wait for the boat to come in

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2018 6:09 am 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
Feminism is like a computer game

loads of angry birds

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 7:29 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The ‘violator’ for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an A*******!”
Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer, “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir.
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for A*******?”
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2018 6:22 pm 
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This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent"...
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week"...
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing"...

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2018 1:55 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 7:10 am 
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and oldie but goody

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .

"I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."

Helmut agrees

So off they go the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.

"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."

This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).

But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"

"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique."

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 2:00 pm 
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How do you kill a circus ????,,,,,,,,,,,,,, go for the juggler! :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2018 1:59 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
A rich businessman goes to see his solicitor about his pending divorce

I've got some good and bad news says the solicitor

"start with the good news then" says the businessman

"well" says the solicitor "your wife is accepting the divorce and you get to keep your business :
yes , clever woman your wife she's bought some nudes for about £100,000 which she reckons she can get millions for"

" I don't remember her mentioning those who are they of ? : says the businessman

"you and your secretary" says the solicitor

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2018 7:43 pm 
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I think Pete will love this one !!


A woman goes to the vet with a pig that appears to be sleeping. The woman waits whilst the vet carefully inspects her pig. Eventually the vet tells the woman, "I'm very sorry madam......but your pig is dead."

The woman is shocked and yells at the vet, "Are you serious? Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something!"

The vet sighs, leaves the room and then returns with a dog.The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to tail. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and then slowly walks out.

The vet leaves once more and returns with a cat. The cat sits in front of the pig and stares at it for a whole 5 minutes. It then stands up, meows very sadly and loudly and walks out of the room.

The vet tells the woman, "I'm afraid it's conclusive. Your pig has definitely passed on." He then hands her a bill for £300.

The woman is outraged. "£300 just to tell me my little pig is dead?"

The vet replies, "Well, it was only £40 until you made me get a lab report and a cat scan."

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2018 6:56 pm 
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I went to the library the other day and asked the librarian where the books on engine lubrication were.

She replied, they're in the non-friction section...

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 25, 2018 4:16 pm 
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How can you tell an uber driver and a Private Hire driver apart ?

the uber driver has the word Mug tattoo'd on his forehead !!

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2018 7:41 pm 
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"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 11:53 am 
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A Scotsman a Yorkshireman and a scouser walk into a pub. The Scouser notices his companions looking worried so he turns round and says

"alright,alright calm down calm down I'm not going to ask you to buy a round"

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 4:51 pm 
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Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2018 8:17 pm 
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Location: A City near Birmingham
I asked a taxi driver what grooming products he uses


"bag of sweets and a puppy"

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