Taxi Driver Online

Just got one of those Bonnie Tyler satnavs,

Keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart !

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He's the slave of all slaves who serves none but himself.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Alba Gu Bràth

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http://wingsoverscotland.com/ http://www.newsnetscotland.com/

Matheson receives stunning blow - job in jeopardy
Friday, 18 January 2013 04:11 | PDF | Print | E-mail

By Beef Lynx, our Showbiz Reporter

matheson0

BBC Scotlandshire is proud to announce that, after two months of public voting and the emergence of several very strong contenders for the Anti-Scottishness awards, this year's prestigious Union of Scottish Unionist Quislings (USUQ) award has been awarded to none other than Glasgow Council leader, Gordon Matheson.

Gordon can add this wonderful USUQ award to the Local Politician of the year Award given to him in 2012 by the Herald Newspaper. It will look lovely on his mantlepiece when he's poking the grate.

Sadly, Cllr Matheson is unable to accept the USUQ award in person as he has taken a vow to keep his mouth closed in public, from now on, we understand. However, Gordon did make this short film for us earlier:

"Mmmm nmm mmm um gobble gobble mm nmm umm nmm mmm! Chap, chap, chap. Gulp. Cough. Yes officer - how can I help you?"

Fortunately, we have fellow Glasgow Labour councillor Seezat Broon-Envelope who will accept the award on Gordon's behalf. Seezat...

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am very proud indeed to be accepting this USUQ award on behalf of my friend and colleague, nay mentor, and exemplary leader of Glasgow Council, George Matheson.

"What Can I say about Gordon? First, he is a true unionist. He not only preaches that we are Better Together, but he practices it as well, particularly at the weekend after a few nippy sweeties (laughs).

But it is as a SLAB politician that Gordon really excels. He not only screws THE public in Glasgow, but he screws IN public in Glasgow as well. That's what I call a true Labour leader.

Matheson was caught by police with an unknown man. - He later apologised for falling below his own standards
"Recently, Gordon has been totally absorbed in the plans for the renovation of George Square. He was desperately keen to have the statues moved away from outside the window of his office, but has now changed his mind. Apparently he has a thing about public erections.

"But, Gordon has always been a beacon of public morality, a faithful husband and friend, sniffing out lewdness and depravity wherever he can. Recently he has been investigating the seamier side of Glasgow for himself.

"Gordon told me he has discovered that dogging was rife in the city's South Side. He couldn't tell me who was involved, or exactly how deep it went, but he was determined to find that out for himself.

"When he discovered just how big it was, he was shocked. He told me it would be a hard one to swallow, but he would take it like a man, on the chin. It seems that is just what he was doing when the police chapped on the window of his car.

I have a short note here from Gordon himself, which he would like me to read out on his behalf. It begins: 'I'm sorry I cannot be there in person to accept this wonderful award, because I was gagged and bound.'

"That can't be right. Just let me put my glasses on. OK. 'I'm sorry I cannot be there in person to accept this wonderful award, because I gagged and was bound OVER.' That's better."

Watching tonight's award ceremony was last year's USUQ winner, Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee for Politicians Imitating Little Englanders, Sitting Opposite Furious Scotlandshire-Hating Idiots from a Truculant England. He told us:

"Wee Gordy is quite a man, right enough. Ah heard he wis up fur a starrin role in 'Kerry oan Kerbcrawlin', so ah did. But, in the end, it turnt oot he hud a wee part in a few different places.

"Bit at least he goat aff wi it, so that's aw right. Mind you, wi the things some ay they Glesga cooncillors get away wi, there wis hee haw chance ay a man in Gordy's position gettin liftit fur a toty wee thing like that. Nuthin wrang wi a wee bit ay political clout, if ye ask me.

"It dis make you wonder how his new marchin pals'll take it, though. They're no usually too laid back aboot this kinny thing"

Leader of Labour in Scotland Johann Lamont was unavailable to comment as she was very upset to hear that Gordon had shelved his plans for a £15 million redecoration of the roof of her Glasgow bunker.

http://www.bbc.scotlandshire.co.uk/inde ... w-job.html

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http://wingsoverscotland.com/ http://www.newsnetscotland.com/

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, spins, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:
"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

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SINGAPORE AIRLINES


Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.


Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.

Now, let your mother explain that to you.'!!!

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Sport 'n' Kulchur spokesned, Ian Davidson MP, who is also chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee on Britain's Independent Trident Taskforce, Ensuring Royal Naval Equity in Scotlandshire is Safe, snarled:

"We huftae make sure that naebuddy in Scoatlandshire wins sae much as a wean's sack race before the referendum oan separashun, or it might no go oor wiy.
Oor hale strategy is tae keep the maximum people in Scoatlandshire in low self-esteem, through a mixture ay poverty, deprivation an huvvin nae real hope fur their future. That keeps them nice an docile and votin fur us.
We even goat the HMRC tae kill aff their toap fitba team, Ra Gers, an they Hun numpties ur still wavin Union flegs an shoutin No Surrender tae the SNP. Magic!," adding, "Now bugger aff, Hen."

http://www.bbc.scotlandshire.co.uk/inde ... b7e439f4e8.

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Charlie was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just kidding you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

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THE TRUTH ABOOT THE WAALL..

It was built for the Romans, way back in the past;
They built it with stone, and they built it to last.
Quite a change for the locals from digging for coal
And it kept a large number of men off the dole.

It was the Emperor Hadrian who started it all
When he ordered the peasants to build him this waall.
Just what it was for there was neebody sure
And the reasons he gave were a little obscure.

"This waall," said the Emperor, rubbing his chin,
"Is to stop aall the Picts and the Scots getting in;
Aa'm used to the Geordies, Aa knaa aall their tricks,
But Aa just cannit stomach the Scots and the Picts".

They started the Waall on the banks of the Tyne
And they tried very hard for to keep a strite line.
There were thoosands of Geordies with shovels and picks
And the rate for the job was eleven and six.

The stones for the Waall came by bogie and barrow;
They were cut from the quarries at Hebburn and Jarrow.
They floated them over the Tyne on a raft,
(Them owld fashioned Geordies could certainly graft).

They travelled to Byker with nivver a spell
But they stopped for a pint when they reached the "Bluebell".
Then on across meadow and valley and dyke
With nivvor a murmur of trouble or stike.

Onwards they went, heading West all the time,
Still trying their best for to keep a strite line.
In summer they struggled through bracken and heather
And they plodged in the clarts during inclement weather.

They laid the last stone on the second of June
and Hadrian said, "Lads, Aa'm ower the moon,
Aa would like you to knaa that Aa'm proud of you aall,
And Aa thank you aall kindly for building me waall".

A big celebration was held at Carlisle;
They had a grand neet and they done it in style.
The picks and the shovels were aall put away
And the workers were given an extra week's pay.

The Picts and the Scots were a little bit vexed
And voices were raised and muscles were flexed.
But their yelling and shootin' did nee good at aall;
It takes more than taalkin' to get past a waail.

And that is the story, believe it or not,
Of how they defeated the Pict and the Scot;
How the Waall was constructed for one man's enjoyment
And the North-East was rescued from mass unemployment.

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

Beckham gets into a cab, and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror, after about 5 minutes, the driver says, ok give me a clue. Bex says, I had a glittering career at Man U, played in America and also got over 100 caps for England, is that enough ?

Driver says , no thicko, where you going?

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

The Deadly 8 Iron


Off the seventh tee, Brian sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”

“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

“Bring me my wedge,” Brian shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron!”

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

The Pope, wearing a fabulous chiffon-lined Dior lame gown, over a silk Vera Wang empire waist tulle cocktail dress, accessorized with a three-foot House of Whoville hat and The ruby slippers Judy Garland wore in the Wizard of Oz, on his way to tell us its Wrong to be Gay.



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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

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He's the slave of all slaves who serves none but himself.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Alba Gu Bràth