Taxi Driver Online

A Japanese girl was having sex and accidently farted. she said " Oh me sorry, you make front hole so happy, back hole blow you kiss!"

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

Picked up a lady of a "Certain Age" over the Christmas Holidays as we set off she says "Driver.... Do you know anything about mobile phones?"

So I said "Only as much as anyone else really why what's wrong?"

"Well" She replied," I'm going to my Son-in-laws and he bought me a mobile phone and for the life of me I can't get it to work, would you have a look to see what I'm doing wrong?

"Yeah sure" I says "Hand it over and I'll have a look"

After rummaging in her bag for a couple of minutes she handed me her TV remote control!

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Life? Don't talk to me about life!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjm2eslm6hI

Wife gets naked & asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up & down and replies: "Your fu*kin sense of humour!"

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'



On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Mrs Skippy is looking hot tonight Skippy.

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Grandad,

So's Skippy

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

I didn't know Skippy was in that photo.

I was working on the theory that that was Mrs Skippy in the photo

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

Looks like a number two is on the way out.

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

You need to look closely at where the snowmans backside would be.

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Grandad,

You're just being rude the pair of you. That could be coming out of the correct place

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---



How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it..

Why is a L aundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me......'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't... There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

Royal Mail Recall

Royal Mail created a stamp with a picture of the
Prime Minister of Great Britain ... Gordon Brown.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the Prime Minister who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of £1.1 million
A special commission presented the following findings:-

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp