Taxi Driver Online

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no - one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion Pounds ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

This was posted on another forum recently, Have you bothered to check the numbers out. I checked out the first 2 and they are not correct.
For A:- it works out at a bit over 31 years and for B:- it is 1902 years. So the advertising agency did a crap job but you fell for it.

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Grandad,

Yeah, but it makes the point......

And the title of the thread is.............'A bit of fun.'

It doesn't make the point if the figures are incorrect. It just makes you look stupid. As you say "a bit of fun"

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Grandad,

Whether you are a Billy Joel fan or not, you probably remember his great song, "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Here it is, set to pictures.
Very, very cool. I never did know the words. Turn up volume, sit back and enjoy a review of 50 years of history in less than three minutes,
thanks to Billy Joel and some guy from the University of Chicago with a lot of spare time, and Google.
Top left gives you full screen, top right lets you pause.
Bottom left shows the year.
The older you are, the more pictures you will recognize.
Anyone over age 50 should remember over 90% of what they see.
But it's great at any age.


http://yeli.us/Flash/Fire.html

(It takes a while to load, but be patient - it's worth the wait!)

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'


'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

A Yorkshire man is down in London on his first visit. Walking along a street he stops and look in the window of a shop being refurbished. There are two suited men inside and a lot of empty shelves. The man opens the door and asks "What are you selling here then?" "Ar*eholes" says one of the suits. Yorkie replies "You're doing well, only two left!"


A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Leeds .

The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshire men are all 'cloth cap and whippets' and that he can fool them easily...

So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game.

The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'

As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?'

The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn.

He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.

The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the
Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'

The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Yorkshire folk; we only talk different.

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in,

almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,"

You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

Or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to

Lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;

right there on the kitchen, table. Afterwards she said,

"Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still

around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"



She explained,

"The egg timer's broken."

doubble post

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

Windows users - How to start the day with a positive outloook.


1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Gordon Brown"
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: Do you really want to get rid of “Gordon Brown”?
6. Firmly Click "Yes"
7. Feel better?
GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Peter Mandelson

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

New bmw series 9

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'> Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't
you?' Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs experience

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint....it goes like
this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We
have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T
U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing
will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude
will get you there, it's the
Bullsh*t
and
Ass Kissing
that will put you over the top.

'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'