Taxi Driver Online

22 Rules that make men, men.

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE BOG - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

Why chocolate is better than men

The average piece of chocolate is at least six inches long.
Chocolates stay hard for a week.
Chocolate won't tell you size doesn't count.
Chocolates don't get too excited.
A chocolate never suffers from performance anxiety.
Chocolates are easy to pick up.
You can fondle chocolates in a supermarket.
...and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
Chocolates can get away any weekend.
...and you won't have to check in as "MRS. Chocolate".
A chocolate will always respect you in the morning.
A chocolate won't ask: "Am I the first!"
Chocolates don't have sex hangups.
Chocolates won't make you wear kinky clothes.
Chocolates won't go to bed with boots on.
Chocolates aren't into rope or leather.
You can have as many chocolates as you can handle.
You only eat chocolates when you feel like it.
Chocolates never need a round of applause.
Chocolates won't ask: Am I the best? How was it?
A chocolate never wants to improve your mind.
Chocolates won't ask about your last lover...
...or speculate about your next one.
A chocolate will never make a scene because there are other chocolates in the refrigerator.
Chocolates can handle rejection.
With a chocolate, you never have to say you're sorry.
Chocolates don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
With chocolate size doesn't matter; its always good!
Chocolates can stay up all night...
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
...and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
"If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
You always know where your chocolate has been.
A chocolate never has to call "the wife."
Chocolates never have mid-life crises.

Afterwards chocolate don't

...say, "I'll call you a cab."
...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
...leave you wondering for a month.
...answer your phone or borrow your car.
...eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
...turn your bathroom into a library.
...leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
...leave dirty shorts on the floor.
...foget to flush the toilet.
...don't leave the toilet seat up
...don't compare you to a centerfold.

A chocolate will never...

...leave you for another woman.
...leave you for another man.
...leave you for another chocolate.
...call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home smelling like another woman.

You won't find out later that your chocolate...

...is married.
...is on penicillin.
...likes you, but loves your brother.

Last but not least

Good chocolate is easy to find.

_________________
Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can
take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND
HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils,
napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

I wish I was a glow worm..... cos a glow worm's life ain't glum. How could you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum

_________________
Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.



The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

While I was driving down the A1 today, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked: "Runway too short?"

To which I replied: "I'm late for work."

To which he asked: "What do you do?"

I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher"

The policeman was surprised and confused : "A rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously : "And just what do you do with a six-foot [edited by admin]?"

To which I politely replied : "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge .."

Speeding ticket: £105.00
Penalty Points : 3
Court costs: £45
Look on policeman's face: Priceless.

This is a video of an act filmed in 1944 - a sister act called the Ross Sisters.

I had never heard of them, but they were all born in Texas. The song they sing is about 45 seconds long (nothing special) but what they do next is...!

Can you imagine these girls on Australia's Got Talent, America's Got Talent and/or Britain's Got Talent?

I don't think I have ever seen a human being do some of the stunts they did!

Hope you enjoy it!

(Watch past the first 60 seconds or so, then Whoa! Look Out!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=BN ... r_embedded

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

I see that almost every day on the Dave TV channel.

One of them features in the Speckled Hen advert on a snooker table taking a shot whilst contorted & inverted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=605uby5n ... re=related

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

You've got me watching funny commercials now I'll be on utube all day

_________________
Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.”

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

That's as maybe but only if I'm driving it

_________________
Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

I think its time to re write the Kama sutra, as there seems to be 200 pages missing

Knocks spots of anything that is currently in vogue....

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter
than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed..

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms... Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a
question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious andcontains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:
'Coconut.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble
gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

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_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.