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Christmas Crackers
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Author:  skippy41 [ Thu Dec 11, 2008 8:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Christmas Crackers
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now f*** off you c**t!"
Author:  skippy41 [ Thu Dec 11, 2008 8:28 pm ]
Post subject: 
An Aberdeen licenced taxi driver was stopped by a speed cam cop doing 34mph on King st ( ( on a sat morn at 2am with shire and drunk drivers going past ).

The taxi driver mentioned during questioning that she was only doing taxiing part time and that she had a full time job that did not pay enough.

The traffic Bobbie asked the driver "What do you do full time?"

The driver replied "I am a rectum stretcher"

"A rectum stretcher, what is that?" asked the cop.

"It is when someone wants to expand on job prospects they then call and employ her" replied the driver.

"What does the job entail?" asked the copper.

The driver said "People call her and at first they first want one of her fingers up their butt, then two fingers and ultimately both of her hands, stretching their rectum to a point of six feet".

The traffic cop then asked "What the hell would anyone do with a six foot [edited by admin]?"

"They usually give them a uniform and a f*** speed gun!" retorted the driver.
Author:  skippy41 [ Thu Dec 11, 2008 8:30 pm ]
Post subject: 
Phil Neville who playes for Everton was arrested for hitting a taxi driver last night. the driver made a statment saying '''I only asked him what way he was heading.
Author:  Sussex [ Thu Dec 11, 2008 10:20 pm ]
Post subject: 
I bought an advent calender from Woolies yesterday..........all the windows were boarded up and there was f*** all inside !!

Image
Author:  toots [ Thu Dec 11, 2008 10:39 pm ]
Post subject: 
A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River .

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘Be-Jesus, I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.’

The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.

The driver replied, ‘ Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab………………..

I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’
Author:  bloodnock [ Fri Dec 12, 2008 12:03 am ]
Post subject: 
toots wrote:
A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River .

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘Be-Jesus, I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.’

The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.

The driver replied, ‘ Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab………………..

I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’



:lol: =D>
Author:  Fae Fife [ Fri Dec 12, 2008 8:46 am ]
Post subject: 
toots wrote:
I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’


And he's spent the next 25 years telling that joke :lol:
Author:  Nigel [ Fri Dec 12, 2008 12:01 pm ]
Post subject: 
Paddy came home one night to find his wife in bed with his best mate, Paddy took out a knife and stabbed his mate 10 times in the heart killing him outright, his wife said 'Paddy if you carry on like that you'll have no mates left'.

I'll get me coat.ImageImage
Author:  wannabeeahack [ Fri Dec 12, 2008 12:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
paddys wife had triplets

he spent a month looking for the other two blokes...


paddy searched the atlas for a place call jeopardy

hes heard theres 3000 jobs there


paddy was with mick, saw an advert for tree fellers he said

"if pat was with us we coulda gone for that"


paddy saw a big bloke and little bloke using a two handed/ended saw to saw a tree trunk

he thumped the big guy
"if the little guy wants it, let him have it"



applying for a hotel job, paddy was asked to fill out a questionnaire

so went and thumped the doorman
Author:  wannabeeahack [ Fri Dec 12, 2008 1:19 pm ]
Post subject: 
It was Christmas Eve in the workhouse
The beadle was [edited by admin] as a newt,
The cold froz the porridge right over
And affected brass monkeys to boot.

The paupers looked forward to Christmas
As a time of indulgence and fun,
They got cocoa instead of cold water
A cracker, double porridge and buns.

The dinner was really the favourite
The thing they looked forward to best,
Featuring bulk issue reconstitute chicken
Which weren't poorly but just looked depressed.

They could sing if they did it quietly
They could eat until they nearly felt full
They could kneel and pray extra long praises
Give thanks and other such bull.

So excitement were rising each minute
As Christmas came nearer their way
But just seconds before it struck midnight
A terrible voice said "Nay!"

"What [edited by admin] has [edited by admin] in me clog!"
(Twas the beadle who shouted in rage)
"For this no-one eats Christmas dinner
And I'll put you each back in your cage."

For he was a sensitive person
Who liked a laugh with the lads
But he got the hump at [edited by admin] in footwear
He'd borrowed that day off his dad.

"You'll have nowt but stale bread and water"
Said he "Till the culprit owns up"
But no-one said they had done it
So the beadle locked them all up.

They spent the whole day bewailing
That their dinner had gone to the dog
And they cursed in despair that awful day
Someone [edited by admin] in the beadle's clog.

But here comes that part of the story
The moral and pointed bit
That makes you see God's got a plan
So you laugh and don't give a [edited by admin]:

The chicken was packed in Argentina
A friendly South American place
And was teeming and creeping with typhoid
That came from the old River Plate.

And so in the other workhouses
The paupers were dropping like flies
But as to this one it was only
The usual high average died.

And the paupers danced and sang praises
That they'd only had water and bread
Which doubled as a wake for the beadle who'd
Ate chicken and now was well dead.

So the moral we see quite clearly:
This is: God loves the poor,
And if you've only got bread and water
Why! he loves you ten times more.

So leave it all to your masters
It's all for the best in the end
Don't shout and be stubborn and nasty,
If the boss says bend, YOU BEND!

And the paupers have got a new beadle
Who never gets [edited by admin] in his clog
Cos the typhoid that did for the old one
Also slayed his incontinent dog.
Author:  tcabbie [ Fri Dec 12, 2008 11:04 pm ]
Post subject: 
Van Gough went in the pub and somebody said do you want a beer and he said no Ive got one ear boom boom :lol:
Author:  wannabeeahack [ Fri Dec 12, 2008 11:09 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quasimodo....

To the gang of lads follwing him down the street

"for the last time, i aint got yer feckin ball, ok?"


he got laid off last month

got a lump sum, a back payment and a bottle of bells


he was found at the foot of notredame cathedral on his back looking and shouted:-

"esmerelda, when i said toss me off i didnt mean that..."
Author:  captain cab [ Sat Dec 13, 2008 7:07 pm ]
Post subject: 
Image
Author:  toots [ Sat Dec 20, 2008 7:16 am ]
Post subject: 
What's pink, small and fluffy? A pink ball of fluff

What's blue, small and fluffy? A pink ball of fluff holding it's breath :D
Author:  tcabbie [ Sat Dec 20, 2008 8:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
There 2 for a pound you know.
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