The Reiver
The Fashion Police
It would appear a growing number of councils are introducing dress codes for drivers and whilst I understand the motives, I think they are completely mental, moreover, if the taxi trade accept this, then we are all going to go to hell on a handcart rather quicker than expected.
I can appreciate a small number of cab drivers are basically walking bags of [edited by admin], I accept some drivers stink to high heaven and I don't particularly want these people driving cabs, however, such rules are clearly unreasonable.
As my brother, much to his amusement, often reminds me, during the 1980’s I bought and wore a pair of burgundy trousers, he maintains I should have been arrested for crimes against fashion, yet these pants were, at least for a couple of weeks, the very height of fashion along with Rick Astley.
As Casey has written on numerous occasions there are firms in the North East that have instigated dress codes for their drivers, these include Newcastle Airport Taxis, NODA Taxis, the NHDA, Station Taxis (Sunderland) and Deans of Gateshead. Their drivers all look very smart and are a credit to the trade. But these policies were instigated for contractual reasons with other businesses, or the need for the firms, through competition, to professionalise. It’s a purely voluntary thing.
For a council department to sit down and make a policy around the dress of drivers is patently ridiculous, they may have private hire illegally plying for hire with wanton abandon throughout their borough, yet this is ignored for the far more exciting formulation of a dress code. It’s a little like sitting down and deciding what kind of wallpaper you want whilst you’re on fire.
How many more of these hair brained schemes are we going to accept?
This brings me to these point systems some council’s have developed, how on earth have some areas accepted these beauties?
For those who don't know, these points systems work in a similar to the one dreamt up by the DVLA for driving offences, only we attract points for licensing misdemeanours. You can get points for such heinous crimes as being in possession of a dirty cab, wearing an offensive football shirt and wearing jogging bottoms, as well as the far more serious failing to display an ID badge. The thought occurs some council’s are deliberately making policy against Scousers!
I would have thought the body odour off a smelly driver was far more offensive than a Mackem football shirt (although admittedly they in the majority of cases are one and the same). Indeed, in terms of a customers basic needs, what more important, a driver who knows where he’s going, or a driver dressed smart that hasn’t a clue?
Every area has a small percentage of drivers who are the sole reason these barmy policies coming into being; local authorities have a long history of using the actions of a minority to affect the majority. Other examples are those owners with a reckless attitude to maintenance causing increased testing and vehicle age policies for all licensees in their areas.
I find all of this completely stupid, the effect, where the majority suffer for the actions of a minority simply isn’t right, licenses are issued to individuals and councils can attach conditions to individual licenses. Yet what we have is an almost **** type of overkill, shooting an entire village because of the actions of a couple of people.
Okay, let’s see which part of the 1976 act allows for dress codes. I was struggling a little, but the best I can come up with is section 51 (2) which appears to only affect private hire bearing the all encompassing legend;
“A district council may attach to the grant of a licence under this section such conditions as they may consider reasonably necessary.”
How will a council decide if something like a dress code is reasonably necessary? Well I would have thought a key factor would be a number of complaints from the public, bearing in mind the public don't generally complain to councils, but save complaints for either firms or other drivers, I can’t see enough being made to make this the case.
How many complaints would it take to make such a policy likely, 1 or 100? Could a licensing officer please write in and tell us?
Unless of course the insane suggestion comes from the trade, which in certain areas is probably the case.
Is making a policy that will make every licensed driver adhere to a dress code reasonably necessary in the terms of the act? I seriously doubt it, the underlying principle of any application is for the council to determine whether the applicant is a ‘fit and proper’ person, how does a persons clothing affect his fitness and propriety?
I imagine and can appreciate how turning up in a pair of chaps, a gimp mask and cowboy hat may affect an application, but wearing a pair of ‘wranglers’?
I might be mistaken here, but doesn’t the wording of the act permit conditions to be attached to the grant of ‘a’ license, could that mean they are permitted by law to attach a condition to a specific individual license?
I have been racking my brains to think of appropriate wear for cab drivers, I must take into account the fact that we have woman cab drivers too and that insisting on stockings and suspenders for woman could be construed as sexist. In a flash of inspiration this morning I found a supplement that fell out of the Sunday paper, I therefore have a brilliant suggestion.
Rather than make rules that ban certain types of clothing, how about one rule that states drivers must only wear a particular type? Brilliant eh? This is one of my better ideas, I’m convinced of it. We need to find a single article of clothing that both men and woman can wear, in comfort and will not possibly cause any offence to anyone, ever, except of course those wearing them.
Well taxitalk magazine, working in partnership with reiver enterprises ltd has devised the best possible solution for the busy working cab driver, the Cabtan©.
The perfect Cabtan© for comfortable living
These sublime cabtans© can be worn wherever you go. Great around the house, or for going out in. A generous cut ensures that it will be comfortable and easy to wear. The single button fastening neck means it is really easy to get on or off. The exquisite floral print adds that touch of class. Easy fit (one size fits all) and can be worn all year round. £24.99 from Reiver Enterprises Ltd.
Obviously any new rules concerning your dress must take into consideration the cleanliness of your clothing, I can therefore suggest the “Cabbie Meal Protector” from reiver enterprises.
This full size adult bib is fully machine washable and ideal for those busy working cab drivers who have dexterity problems and need to eat on the move.
Make sure your licensing officer doesn’t catch you with a food stained top, thus allowing him to shoot your family pet, buy one now from Reiver Enterprises £19.99p
As a working cab driver, without any work, you’ll know this leads to long periods sitting on cab ranks, imagine the scenario as you gradually work to the top of the rank and find yourself, after 3 hours, being caught short.
It’s a dilemma; do you leave your number one position to relieve yourself of a number two? Do you sit and risk a major soiling incident? Well Reiver Enterprises has come up with the ideal solution for all cab drivers, ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for cabbynapp© (pictured below and modelled by our co-editor Derek Cummins).
Never lose a fare due to a call of nature again, with cabbynapp©, available from Reiver Enterprises for £60.00 per pack of 60 (one size fits all).
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I
Writing articles is quite difficult, every month I have to sit down, seek inspiration and dream up bigger and better insults than the month before, its damn hard work I can tell you. Every once in a while a story reaches the national press about the taxi trade at just the right moment. Thank you London, thank you very much.
Septembers acknowledgement by the PCO that they are to allow paranoid schizophrenics to train for the knowledge shouldn’t come of much a surprise, London appear to have been licensing people with this type of complaint for some considerable time, it could be described as a condition of license.
This new licensing stipulation came about after a great deal of research and study by the PCO. They have secretly been recording conversations in those green shelters dotted about our nation’s capital.
In being one of the trades leading investigative journalists this writer contacted Scientists who advised the condition, also known as ‘Beingtoofarupyourownbacksideitis’, it is caused by long periods sitting down, realising the cup is truly half empty and the world is out to get you.
Suffers from the disease are often heard making strange noises, examples include ’bleedin minicabs’, ‘M4 Bus lane’ and ‘Effing Addison Lee’.
I spoke recently to a London Cab Driver, when asked about the new PCO policy I was told;
“Facking PCO? They ain’t got a Scooby doo mate, bring back Ronnie and Reggie that’s what I say, they’d have sorted it aaaht, only killed their own y’know, cam on West Haaaaam”
The condition should not be confused with ‘Aintgoingsarfoftheriverguv’ which seems to affect a certain percentage of drivers on an evening.
The PCO stress that the public ought be in no danger whatsoever, provided of course, they don't say "I do" to them.
The LSCA (London Schizophrenics Cab Association) defended the PCO decision, speaking to their Chairman (and vice chairman), Napoleon Levy, this reporter was told, ‘the PCO have been very courageous in this decision, we have rights, both of us’. The LSCA did however condemn the PCO for charging Schizophrenics twice for their licenses, and justifying their decision by making it a condition that two application forms are filled out.
The LSCA spokesman damned the move;
“Effectively Schizophrenics are doubling London’s taxi driver numbers, I work days, I apparently work nights, although during nights I prefer to wear a flowery dress with a Napoleon hat, we’re providing a public service and the PCO are being over zealous, its a diabolical liberty”
The PCO poured scorn on this point, a spokesman told me;
“We have been considering the lack of availability of taxis on an evening for a number of hours, it seems to be an ideal solution to license schitzos, we get one for the price of two, although we would draw the line at axe wielding homicidal maniacs, although we cannot rule them out totally”.
A spokesman for the LAWHMTDC (London Axe Wielding Homicidal Maniacs Taxi Drivers Club) was outraged;
“It’s totally unfair, they are allowing those fruit loops to be licensed, what about us? Do you like my new axe? Frisnit, Frisnit, yippee”
At this point he sharpened his axe so I made my excuses and left.
