Taxi Driver Online

Zoo keeper goes into the canteen and says to the turtle keeper "one of my elephants just fcked one of your turtles"

They run outside just as an elephant stomps on a turtle

"Thats another one fked" says the elephant guy

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Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

Postman Pat decides to retire. On his last day he is going about his deliver round as usual and at the first house he finds an envelope at the front door, with his name on it. He opens it and finds a note wishing him well and £10 as a gift to him.
At the next house he is greeted by the husband who shakes his hand and congratulates him on his service, gifting him a bottle of whisky.
House after house, home after home the same thing happens. Each house gifts him something and wishes him well until the final house.
As he approaches the front door it opens and Pat finds the wife in a sexy underwear. She grabs Pat and drags him upto the bedroom for some the most amazing sex. When he's finished she goes down to the kitchen and returns with a full cooked breakfast. Pat looks at it and then notices that on the saucer of the Tea cup is a pound coin.
Pat is confused and asks what he has done to deserve this. The Wife replies that when she had mentioned Pat's retirement to her husband he replied "F*ck him, give him a pound" She continues "The breakfast was my idea"

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Its funny where life choices will lead you... I started out just wanting to pi$$ the girlfriend off as much as possible, I didn't shower or shave for a month and started wearing her dresses... Anyway, long story short, im now leading prayers at the local mosque

The Inventor of Auto-correct died yesterday......Restaurant in Piece Man

His Funnel is on Wensleydale at 11 O'Connor.

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i was watching Crimewatch the other night, they showed harrowing CCTV footage of a man raping a woman behind a hedge next to a bus stop, after the rape, he then casually waited 30 minutes for a bus to come. really shocked me like, the transport system in this country is a fooking disgrace tbh

wor lass wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. My mate told me that they are really expensive, So I've bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together

My grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. '£1.50 for a cup of tea, £2.25 for 3 custard creams...' I said 'Look, grandad, you just popped round too see me, I didn't fooking invite you'

Paddy visits Mick and finds he has bought two Alsation dogs.

"What's their names Mick?" Asks Paddy.

"Dat one is Rolex and we udder is called Timex!" Replies Mick.

"Strange names for dogs Mick?" Says Paddy.

"Hello.....they're watch dogs!!!"

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did you hear about the council official that used his common sense .....

they had him sectioned

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my first dog was called "stay" not a wise move tbh , took him 30 mins to walk across the front room, "come here stay, come here stay"

a customer of mine Just got back from a mental Stag Weekend. 12 of them went mountain biking in Iceland.

All good until store security threw them out of the shop.....

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What is the collective name for a group of councillors?

A thickett!

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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was fooking dead & panicked a bit until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby

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if you cannot be yourself, then who can you be.

worst joke I've heard this year

I've just got back from the zoo, I saw a slice of toast in one of the enclosures... It was bread in captivity

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