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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2019 3:59 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=ht ... mrc&uact=8

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2019 11:39 am 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
San MARINO'S MANAGER WAS VERY DISAPPOINTED LAST NIGHT AFTER LOSING 2-0 TO THE WORLDS WORST TEAM

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2019 12:32 pm 
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Paddy takes a bag into the bank hands it over to the girl and says he’d like to make a deposit. The girl opens the bag and it’s full of cannabis. She tells paddy he can’t deposit it, he says “I can, it’s going in the joint account “


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 3:09 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic ?
A. You know how many men went down on the titanic.

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 3:09 pm 
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At todays meeting between Corbyn and Theresa May on hearing the news that two more cabinet members had resigned he helpfully suggested she call IKEA

Such a helpful man :-pmsl

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2019 9:40 pm 
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Location: A City near Birmingham
A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU.

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2019 6:28 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
A bloke in a hot air balloon gets lost in low cloud and decides the only way to verify his position is to decend towards the ground. He pokes through the cloud above a field and continues to decend to ask for directions.
He finds a bloke sitting by a truck in a layby and shouts to him.

"I'M A BIT LOST, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I AM?" He asks.

"SURE MATE, YOURE ABOUT 30FT ABOVE A FIELD BETWEEN THE B7144 TO THE SOUTH AND THE A45 NORTH OF HERE." The bloke replies.

"YOU MUST BE A LORRY DRIVER!" The pilot says.

"HOW DID YOU WORK THAT OUT?" The bloke replies.

"BECAUSE ALTHOUGH YOUR INFORMATION IS TECHNICALLY ACCURATE, ITS OF NO USE TO ME AND I'M STILL AS LOST AS I WAS AND OUR CONVERSATION HAS MADE DELAYED ME!" Replies the pilot.

"YOU MUST BE A TRAFFIC MANAGER!" The bloke replies.

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?" Replies the pilot.

"BECAUSE, YOU DONT KNOW WHERE TOU ARE OR WHERE YOU ARE GOING. YOU HAVE RISEN TO WHERE YOU ARE DUE TO AN AWFUL LOT OF HOT AIR. YOU EXPECT THE PEOPLE BELOW YOU TO SORT OUT ALL THE PROBLEMS YOU CREATE AND YOU ARE STILL IN THE SAME POSITION AS BEFORE BUT NOW SOMEHOW ITS MY FAULT!" replies to truck driver.

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2019 10:41 am 
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Location: A City near Birmingham
Chap wins a balloon flight in a competition and books a date to fly...

He has no car so walks 3 hrs to the take off site where fog has come down but insists the flight goes ahead after his walk


once up nothing can be see, he asks the pilot where they are and the pilot says "hang on..."


he leans out the basket and scoops up air and sniffs it....


"Grimsby, i can smell fish"


3 hours later same thing, he leans out the basket

"Liverpool" - after scooping air up after dangling his arm out..


The flight winner asks how he knew it was Liverpool?

The pilot replies........."some barsteward has nicked my watch"

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 10:22 pm 
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Quasimodo's ashes have been re-scattered. Just a hunch.


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