Taxi Driver Online

My mate is always looking for ways to save money. he's in the doghouse though because the other week he decided to save money by cutting up a pair of rubber gloves to make home made condoms.

how was he to know his wife had been using them to clean the oven ?

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Just bought some counterfeit Mr Kiplings.....I must say they're exceedingly good fakes

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Chap went to the cops saying he thought his wife might be dead

cops asked wht he thought that


"well, the sex is the same but the washings piling up"

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Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

I was pulled over by the police today, in my car.
I wound down my window and the copper said, "Would you like to have a guess sir?"
I said, "30?"
"Try 45." He replied.
I said, "It's that hat, it takes years off you, I'll have to get myself one."

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Wrestling is such a pointless sport, a bunch of men with no trousers fighting for a belt!

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Jeremy Corbyn and his entourage arrived at Glastonbury, in a shameless attempt to pander to the youth.



It must be awful for the security there, being surrounded by smelly, unwashed hippies spouting socialism, before they return home to their middle class houses. . .



Then the crowds turned up.

If there's one lesson we can learn from the cladding on Grenfell Tower, it's that wherever there's a lot of cheap bling you'll always find a lot of black people

Got a ticket today for undertaking on the M20.
I was running late so I opted to use the motorway instead of the A20.
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I joined just before they closed the slip road to allow a royal motorcade with Prince Charles and Camilla in, heading to the Kent coast...they were travelling along under police protection but so bloody slow....
They were doing 48 in lane three.. I waited and waited hoping they would move over. . Hoping they would speed up. But they didn't.. I got impatient and used lane 1 to pass them at 65 as they continued to do less than 50..
I was stopped by the lead police motorcade biker.. He told me off and wrote me a ticket.. I asked "why?"
He said it's because I saw you "pass the duchy on the left hand side.."

here's one for the ex miners on here

It was 1923 and a man was standing at the bar in the Blyth and Tyne pub in Blyth, Northumberland. His head was covered in scars and he wasn't a pretty sight. A young lad began sniggering and pointed the man out to his mates.

A big burly miner jumped up and grabbed the young lad. "Never, never, make fun of that man. He's a hero, there was a big fall at Crofton Pit and he stood with a wooden bar on his head for 6 hours holding the roof up while his marra's were rescued. That's why he bears those terrible scars."

"Am sorry mate, a didn't na", said the young lad, "He is a hero. But, how did he get that cauliflower ear?"

"Aw well, that happened when he was hammered into position."

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My girlfriend got rushed to A & E after using the hoover nozzle as a sex aid... Is she going to be ok I asked the doctor..
Yeah fine he replied, shes picking up nicely!

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WARNING !!!
Do not join the new Tesco's dating service.
My mate did and he ended up with a bag for life !!

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”

The captain responds, “Patricia, this is Air Force One...”

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A teacher says to her class, "can anyone give me a sentence with the word dandelion in it".

A little Jamaican lad puts up his hand. "Yes Desmond" says the teacher.

"Da cheetah is faster dandelion miss".

An Irish blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.
‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.
‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’
‘No, Silly,’ the blonde said, ‘first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid £6,000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid £3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

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Just bought Fatboy Slims old satnav.
Wish I hadn't, only keeps telling you to go right here, right now, right here, right now.