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New Jokes thread
http://www.taxi-driver.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=28380
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Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 6:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, "I never realised your husband was so wealthy. You and your sons are very lucky."

His wife swiftly replied, he wasn't, He was a fooking window cleaner!"

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 6:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

My wife just sent me a text , "well i know now, found out , you've been seeing another woman, you cheating *******! , i hate you , I've taken my things and I'm going back to my mam`s house."

"Okay, see you when you get here," I texted back :lol:

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 6:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

So "Britain's fattest man" has died recently at the age of 33.

Or, as he's known in America, "Slim Carl"

Author:  ven2112 [ Mon Sep 05, 2016 3:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Bloke asks a bus driver in London If he stops at the Savoy. Bus driver said no, I only get a £100 a week.

Author:  sasha [ Tue Sep 06, 2016 6:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Got turned down on Dragons Den for my idea for the worlds first 'cold air balloon' ;
They said it'll never take off ! :roll: :roll:

Author:  Sussex [ Thu Sep 08, 2016 7:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Can't work out why we need loads of wind farms.

Haven't we got enough wind already?

Author:  grandad [ Thu Sep 22, 2016 8:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Well it made me laugh.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Author:  edders23 [ Thu Sep 22, 2016 10:47 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Jane Fonda opened a fitness centre in Wigan, when her first class came in she said "Hands on thighs" and they all covered their eyes.

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Sep 22, 2016 4:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

My Grandad said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Sep 22, 2016 4:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer? I give a fook when my computer crashes

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Sep 22, 2016 4:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up

Author:  ven2112 [ Wed Sep 28, 2016 4:36 pm ]
Post subject:  paddy

paddy has just got his second question right on who wants to be a millionaire & is on £200

chris tarrant says " well now here is the third question, who was the great train robber?"

Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie Wood
Ronnie Barker
Ronnie Parker

paddy says " well chris i have had a great day &im going to take the £200 please mate"

chris tarrant says " hang on mate , you have all you're life lines left, are you fooking stupid or something ? "

paddy says, "look mate, i might be stupid but im not a fooking grass"

Author:  ven2112 [ Wed Sep 28, 2016 4:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

A copper called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady has shot her husband for stepping on the floor that she had just moped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor is still wet!"

Author:  ven2112 [ Wed Sep 28, 2016 4:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?"

I said, "The long distance swimming one would be good for a start !"

Author:  ven2112 [ Sun Oct 02, 2016 3:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

I asked my wife what she'd like for our wedding anniversary...She said I'd like to see the Jeremy Kyle Show live....... So I've got her sister pregnant and were on next week..... :lol:

reet miserable fookers on here like , hate to be on the rank with you lot :lol:

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