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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2016 3:10 pm 
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I got a nice complement about my youthful looks the other day, it said in the papers,

'A man in his late 30's was seen running away from the victim'

I'm 53 :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2016 6:12 pm 
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"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille. :-|


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2016 8:43 am 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
probably too long for Ven but the rest of you might enjoy it

The missus bought a Paperback
Down Shepton Mallet way.
I had a look inside her bag
'Twas Fifty Shades Of Grey
Well I just left her to it,
And at 10 I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
for the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I
can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2016 12:44 pm 
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edders23 wrote:
probably too long for Ven but the rest of you might enjoy it


that's better than the joke :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :wink:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2016 10:08 am 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
John's new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as they were on our way to see his parents, so he called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time".

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2016 10:08 am 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
A group of engineering professors were invited onto a newly assembled aircraft for a test flight.

Once seated, there were informed that this particular aircraft had been assembled by their own students.

Almost all the professors immediately got up and made for the door, all except one.

When questioned, his answer was truthful and sincere.

My students assembled this aircraft with the tools, parts and knowledge given to them by us. I have absolutely no doubt that this thing will not feckin Start, let alone take to the air...........

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:49 pm 
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I just lost my job at the swimming pool as a life guard :cry:

Apparently, tapping the "No Bombing" sign as a Muslim family walks past isn't acceptable :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:51 pm 
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I thought my latest girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:54 pm 
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If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment.

If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be £1.60 a minute.


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:55 pm 
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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.

It's seven.


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:55 pm 
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The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:57 pm 
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Son: Mam, why is my cousin's name Rose?
Mam: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers!
Son: Mam, what do you love?
Mam: Richard, stop asking so many questions!


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:58 pm 
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Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being confused with feminists


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 2:01 pm 
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"copper on the radio after a drug bust , "we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine."
"10 kilograms you say?"
"Yeah, 5 kilograms."


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 2:02 pm 
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A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"fifty quid mate ," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a copper.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the copper.
"I'm making shagging my wife," the man answers .
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the copper, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.


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