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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 2:32 pm 
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My old man has a obsessive compulsive disorder about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one...

I think he needs Help.


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 2:36 pm 
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My lass said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

fooking hell, well I won't be needing those anymore


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2016 4:36 pm 
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Army Captain meets a prostitute in Amsterdam and asks 'How much for the pleasure of my company?', £50 she replies.
Captain turns and shouts 'Company, Company atten-shun' :roll: :roll:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 18, 2016 5:12 pm 
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sasha wrote:
Army Captain meets a prostitute in Amsterdam and asks 'How much for the pleasure of my company?', £50 she replies.
Captain turns and shouts 'Company, Company atten-shun' :roll: :roll:

:lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 5:32 pm 
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Just remember, the clocks go back an hour this weekend.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you'll need to put yours forward five hundred years.


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 5:36 pm 
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Congratulations to West Ham, the only club named after two things that ISIS hate.


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 5:40 pm 
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On holiday in Spain, I saw a sign:

ENGLISH SPEAKING DOCTOR

I thought "What a fooking cracking idea", we ought to have those in England'


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 5:43 pm 
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Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year!


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 5:47 pm 
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I said, "I'm off out, mam."

She said, "You ain't going anywhere until you change that mini skirt."

I said, "Why?"

She said, "Because I can see your bollocks, Dave."


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2016 1:57 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
this should offend almost everyone :lol: 8)


A Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising
that the little boy is in there.
After a while the little boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - £125
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - £375
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy'.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £500
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your
friend like that.
That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.......
The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again you little pr*ck, you're
in my cupboard now.

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 6:28 am 
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Has anyone got their Christmas tree up yet?

I have...

It is up in the loft where it belongs for the next six weeks :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:40 am 
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Chap with his little lad comes through Customs at Heathrow

Customs officer stops the guy..

"Hell sir, could I ask, did you pack your own suitcase"

Guy replies "yes"

Customs "are you carrying any weapons, drugs, tobacco, or contraband?"

chap replies "No"

little lad looks up and says "No but hes getting close int he dad"

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 11:55 am 
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wannabeeahack wrote:
Chap with his little lad comes through Customs at Heathrow

Customs officer stops the guy..

"Hell sir, could I ask, did you pack your own suitcase"

Guy replies "yes"

Customs "are you carrying any weapons, drugs, tobacco, or contraband?"

chap replies "No"

little lad looks up and says "No but hes getting close int he dad"


jokes only please in this thread if you don't mind :D

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 4:00 pm 
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edders23 wrote:
jokes only please in this thread if you don't mind :D


is that why your here? :badgrin: :badgrin: :badgrin: :badgrin: :badgrin: :badgrin:

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 8:39 pm 
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wannabeeahack wrote:
edders23 wrote:
jokes only please in this thread if you don't mind :D


is that why your here? :badgrin: :badgrin: :badgrin: :badgrin: :badgrin: :badgrin:



Mine are actually funny :D

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