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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 5:00 pm 
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Location: A City near Birmingham
wife said she wanted book us into a meditation centre

i said id have to have a think about that

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 10:26 am 
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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."

"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly.

"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.

"Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with 2 guys in a Uno."


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 3:58 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
A chap goes into a pub and orders a beer for which the barman asks “£2.50 please”. the chap drinks his beer and counts out twenty five 10 pence pieces and as he leaves, throws them behind the bar, the barman is rather displeased.
The next day, the same chap comes back for another beer. The barman serves him the beer on the counter, which he drinks and starts counting out another twenty five 10 pence pieces. As he leaves, he then throws them behind the bar again and the barman is now furious.
On the third day, the same customer returns and asks for a beer to which the barman says “First the money, here on the counter” so the customer places a crisp £5 note on the bar, gets his beer and drinks.
The barman counts out 25 ten pence pieces from the till and says to the customer “Here’s your change” and throws the money into the pub.
The customer pushes his empty glass towards the barman and says “Thanks but I’ll have another, I’ve already paid”.

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 5:09 pm 
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First sign of madness;
Seeing Suggs walking up your drive.


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 7:56 pm 
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Good news for the insomniacs, only one more sleep till Christmas. :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 7:59 pm 
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After the recent destruction and feeling of hopelessness in Aleppo, the city has just been twinned with Melton


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 9:38 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
A married woman is buying a wardrobe at IKEA, she thinks “I can build this easily”.
At home she builds it without any problems but as soon as she is finished, a tram passes on the street and it falls to pieces.
“What on earth” The woman thinks and builds it again but another tram passes and the wardrobe falls apart. Annoyed the woman calls IKEA and asks for a technician to come over else she will sue them.
The technician comes, builds the wardrobe expertly, a tram passes and it falls apart again. “Hmmm . . .” he says “I’ll rebuild the wardrobe again, when it‘s finished, I‘ll stay inside it until a tram comes and we‘ll see what is happening”.
They get it built and the man goes inside the wardrobe to wait. Just then, the woman’s husband comes home “Oh honey” he says “You’ve already built the new wardrobe!” opening the door and says in astonishment mixed with anger and suspicion “And what are you doing here?”
“Would you believe” the technician says “I’m waiting for a tram!”

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 9:39 pm 
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have you heard about Vens new guide dog it has been taught to only respond to commands in spanish




it's an espanyol #-o

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2016 4:49 am 
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Location: Clandestine, soon to be Russia.
I met a girl earlier with 12 nipples which sounds really bizarre. Dozen tit....


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2016 7:01 am 
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I’ve just got my nephew a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what he wants with an ex box I’ll never know...

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2016 7:17 pm 
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There's a bloke in a tractor chucking drugs all over the countryside. My mate reckons it'll be that Farmer Ceutical !


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2016 8:47 pm 
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Location: A City near Birmingham
Tampax have released details of the new packaging for the festive season

its just for the christmas period

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 12:52 pm 
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Location: Edinburgh
Did you know sir, at this time of the year cash is one of the three wise men :roll: :roll: :roll:

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 2:21 pm 
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edders23 wrote:
have you heard about Vens new guide dog it has been taught to only respond to commands in spanish




it's an espanyol #-o

:lol: :lol: :lol: =D>

i walked in to the local pub with my pug, barman says , "sorry mate you cant bring dogs in here" i said " its a guide dog mate, im blind ", he said, "yer kidding aint ya, pugs aint guide dogs mate", i said "eh?, they gave me a fooking pug? "!!! :shock: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 3:17 pm 
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ven2112 wrote:
edders23 wrote:
have you heard about Vens new guide dog it has been taught to only respond to commands in spanish




it's an espanyol #-o

:lol: :lol: :lol: =D>

i walked in to the local pub with my pug, barman says , "sorry mate you cant bring dogs in here" i said " its a guide dog mate, im blind ", he said, "yer kidding aint ya, pugs aint guide dogs mate", i said "eh?, they gave me a fooking pug? "!!! :shock: :lol:

alternate punch line.
"yer kidding aint ya, pugs aint guide dogs mate", i said "Well it fooking well got me here. "!!!

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 3:27 pm 
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sasha wrote:
There's a bloke in a tractor chucking drugs all over the countryside. My mate reckons it'll be that Farmer Ceutical !


ffs mate, when i was a kid i used to love tractors :evil: had posters all over my bedroom, collect photos, my dad used to take me to tractor meets & bought all the tractor magazines , not now though , im a extractor fan :lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 3:30 pm 
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grandad wrote:
ven2112 wrote:
edders23 wrote:
have you heard about Vens new guide dog it has been taught to only respond to commands in spanish




it's an espanyol #-o

:lol: :lol: :lol: =D>

i walked in to the local pub with my pug, barman says , "sorry mate you cant bring dogs in here" i said " its a guide dog mate, im blind ", he said, "yer kidding aint ya, pugs aint guide dogs mate", i said "eh?, they gave me a fooking pug? "!!! :shock: :lol:

alternate punch line.
"yer kidding aint ya, pugs aint guide dogs mate", i said "Well it fooking well got me here. "!!!

:lol: :lol: =D>


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 5:07 pm 
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I''m releasing my own fragrance this Christmas.

Probably about an hour after the Sprouts and Stuffing......

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 5:08 pm 
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Whats Forest Gump's Password?

1Forest1

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 5:10 pm 
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I hear trotsky applied for another job with greggs for new year..................

but the roll had already been filled #-o

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