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New Jokes thread
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Author:  ven2112 [ Sun Jan 31, 2016 11:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

edders23 wrote:
I hate to say it mate but I don't think you'll make it as a stand up !

:cry: :wink: :lol:

Author:  wannabeeahack [ Sun Jan 31, 2016 11:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

The local police station had its toilet stolen overnight

C.I.D. say they have nothing to go on

Author:  bloodnock [ Sun Jan 31, 2016 1:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

edders23 wrote:
I hate to say it mate but I don't think you'll make it as a stand up !


Don't think he could even make it lying down........ #-o

Author:  ven2112 [ Sun Jan 31, 2016 2:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

bloodnock wrote:
edders23 wrote:
I hate to say it mate but I don't think you'll make it as a stand up !


Don't think he could even make it lying down........ #-o

:shock: :lol:

Author:  edders23 [ Sun Jan 31, 2016 6:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

There was a break in at Villa park last night with the entire contents of the trophy room emptied. police are looking for a man with a claret coloured carpet

Author:  ven2112 [ Sun Jan 31, 2016 7:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

edders23 wrote:
There was a break in at Villa park last night with the entire contents of the trophy room emptied. police are looking for a man with a claret coloured carpet

fooking hell, & you have the nerve to critisese me !! :roll: :? :wink:

Author:  ven2112 [ Sun Feb 07, 2016 5:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Liverpool fans walked out during the 77th minute of today's game, in protest at the new £77 ticket price for next season. Thankfully, the board have promised to act swiftly to prevent such scenes from recurring.

A revised ticket price of £90 will be announced on Monday

Author:  ven2112 [ Sun Feb 07, 2016 5:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed... "Does anyone know CPR?" I shouted "whey aye , I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one bloke, miserable fooker .

Author:  superscot69 [ Mon Feb 08, 2016 11:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Women's store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Glasgow, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Author:  edders23 [ Wed Feb 10, 2016 8:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Author:  edders23 [ Wed Feb 10, 2016 8:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Had an Irish mixed grill for lunch.
New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, potato waffles and hash browns with chips.

felt a bit stiff after that lot :roll:

Author:  edders23 [ Sat Jul 16, 2016 7:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of '66 would have fared against Iceland.

"I think we'd have won 1-0 " he replied.

"Only 1-0?" Said the reporter.



"Yes," said Bobby. "Most of us are in our 70's now!"

Author:  ven2112 [ Mon Jul 18, 2016 7:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

some punter asked me the other day if i knew any jokes about the passage through which smoke and gases escape from a fire or furnace on a ship??.
funnely enough .......... no :D

Author:  edders23 [ Tue Jul 19, 2016 6:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

ven2112 wrote:
some punter asked me the other day if i knew any jokes about the passage through which smoke and gases escape from a fire or furnace on a ship??.
funnely enough .......... no :D




groan......................................................... #-o as bad as

How can you tell if the geordie dockers have put the wrong fuel in a ship.... cause there's fog on the Tyne !!

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Jul 21, 2016 4:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

A boy who lives with his grandmother can't find his missing drugs so he goes to her and asks, "Grandma, have you seen my pills labeled LSD?"

She replies, fook ya pills , have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

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