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New Jokes thread
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Author:  sasha [ Mon Feb 05, 2018 4:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
Wanted to join Weight Watchers, so phoned and asked if they could send someone round - Yes was the reply 'they all are'.

Went to the doctors with help losing weight, he said 'stop eating fatty'. I said what things like fatty chocolate and pies - he replied 'no just stop eating fatty' !
Author:  edders23 [ Tue Feb 06, 2018 7:07 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
Little Billy turned up at school on Tuesday morning.

"Billy, do you have an absence note for yesterday?" The teacher enquired.

"Yes Miss, i couldn't come to school yesterday because ma Dad got burned" Billy replied.

"Not too serious i hope, Billy" Teacher asked.

"Well Miss, the don't f*ck about at that Crematorium."
Author:  Nidge2 [ Sun Feb 11, 2018 6:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
Paddy gets a job in Asda when a woman shopper finds him sexy and she is really horny so she asks Paddy to help her with her shopping to the car. On the way she can't hold back anymore and says to Paddy "I have an itchy pussy"...Paddy replies "You're gonna have to point it out love, all these Japanese cars look the same to me!"
Author:  Nidge2 [ Sun Feb 11, 2018 6:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
2 Scousers are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel. "Have you got a fat bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask...."Jesus you boy's are really kinky".. says the madam.. "Are we hell" they say "We're just looking for our mum!"
Author:  edders23 [ Sat Feb 17, 2018 9:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
A Brighton supporter West Brom supporter and Stoke City supporter were discussing their teams chances of survival in the pub the Brighton supporter reckoned the seagulls would fly clear, the baggies supporter reckoned they would bounce clear the Stoke supporter decided they were doomed as they could only potter around

i'll get my coat
Author:  x-ray [ Tue Feb 20, 2018 3:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
Just heard the Irish bobsled team have been disqualified, they refused to do their run unless the course was gritted! :badgrin:
Author:  edders23 [ Fri Feb 23, 2018 5:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
A weasel walks into a bar.

The barman looks at him with wide eyes and said "WOW, in all my years working in bars I've never had a weasel come in. So what can I get you?"

"Pop" goes the weasel !
Author:  edders23 [ Fri Mar 02, 2018 3:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
what do you call a premier league team that can't score goals.................






Arsenenil :lol:
Author:  wannabeeahack [ Fri Mar 02, 2018 10:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
Chap runs into a pub and asks.... "how tall are penguins?"


"about 2 feet" replies the barman


the guys says "fecking hell, ive run over a nun"
Author:  wannabeeahack [ Sat Mar 03, 2018 9:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
Justice has been served!

There's been some thug called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose..

It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone
Author:  wannabeeahack [ Sat Mar 03, 2018 9:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
Sign up in a pub

"try to make my donkey laugh, £100 prize, £10 to try"


chap pays £10, goes into the pub yard, whispers into the donkeys ear and the whole pub hears the donkey laughing"


Landlord says "make him cry for another £100" and 2 minutes later the pub hears the donkey crying


Landlord says after, "how did you make him laugh?"


"easy" says the guy " I told him my dick was bigger than his"



"and how did you you make him cry then?" asks the landlord


the guys says "I showed him"
Author:  edders23 [ Thu Mar 08, 2018 7:12 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
Wee laddie asks his Grandpa. "Papa, why do you call Granny names like Honey and Darling?"

The Grandpa replies, "Because I forgot her real name about 3 years ago and I'm too frightened to ask her!"
Author:  Sussex [ Mon Mar 12, 2018 6:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
Image
Author:  wannabeeahack [ Tue Mar 20, 2018 11:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
Image
Author:  x-ray [ Tue Mar 27, 2018 9:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread
I’m setting up a dating website for chickens, I’ve got to do something to make “ hens” meet. #-o
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