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New Jokes thread
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Author:  edders23 [ Fri Aug 05, 2016 6:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Author:  cabbyman [ Fri Aug 05, 2016 6:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were on holiday in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted road . It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??”
“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!”
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
“Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

Author:  edders23 [ Sat Aug 06, 2016 5:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

If two people are making love, it's a Twosome.

If three people are making love, it's a Threesome.

If Four people are making love, it's a Foursome.

So why do they call you "Handsome"?

I think we should dedicate that one to Nidge :lol:

Author:  cabbyman [ Sat Aug 06, 2016 1:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

The zoo keeper was having a tough time, he'd accidentally poisoned the fish and given 1 of the chimps a mouldy banana and to add to that had now stood on some of the bees. In an effort to conceal his cock up he fed the dead animals to the lions. Next day a new lion arrives at the zoo-he asks one of the other lions"whats the food like here?The other lion replies"Its great.Yesterday we got fish, chimps and mushy bees"

Author:  ven2112 [ Sun Aug 07, 2016 1:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

I went to the shop to buy a bottle of vodka when a guy said to me... "You can't park there. You're not disabled".

I said... "I fooking will be by the time I've finished this mate"

Author:  sasha [ Sun Aug 07, 2016 3:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

A landlord asked me what my pint of beer was like, I told him it 'was like making love to a beautiful woman in a rowing boat'. That good he replied - 'No it's fu**ing close to water' !

Guy got in my cab and asked to be taken to the most expensive place to dine in town, so I took him to the all night garage for a sandwich and mars bar !

Car wasn't running right so I took it to the garage, 'Easy fix, just cr*p in the carburretor' said the mechanic - 'How often should I do that ?' I replied.

I don't have much luck with women, bought one of those inflatable talking sex dolls. Switched it on and it told me it had a headache !

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 11, 2016 2:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man....

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent said, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskeys, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth" said the old man

Author:  sasha [ Thu Aug 11, 2016 5:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Image

Author:  sasha [ Thu Aug 11, 2016 5:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

You might have to pause the video :p

https://youtu.be/OcemJHAsuQk

Author:  sasha [ Thu Aug 11, 2016 5:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

:lol: :lol: :lol:

http://www.bullshireonline.com/2016/05/did-you-know-a-car-could-do-this/

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 11, 2016 5:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

sasha wrote:
You might have to pause the video :p

https://youtu.be/OcemJHAsuQk


seriously??

Author:  wannabeeahack [ Sun Aug 14, 2016 2:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Image

Author:  Sussex [ Sun Aug 14, 2016 6:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

wannabeeahack wrote:
Image

I dropped one off by the wrong pier in the wrong town.

Still laugh about it to myself now. :D

Author:  wannabeeahack [ Mon Aug 15, 2016 2:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Sussex wrote:
wannabeeahack wrote:
Image

I dropped one off by the wrong pier in the wrong town.

Still laugh about it to myself now. :D


I know a guy (expert) who would claim that was abduction............

Author:  davidsmith36 [ Wed Aug 17, 2016 8:03 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Image

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