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New Jokes thread
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Author:  edders23 [ Fri Oct 18, 2019 5:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

My mate phoned up BT the other day " I want to report a nuisance caller" he said

" Not you again" came the reply

Author:  edders23 [ Fri Oct 18, 2019 5:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

Author:  wannabeeahack [ Sat Oct 19, 2019 4:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

edders23 wrote:
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'


God Bless Les Dawson

Author:  wannabeeahack [ Wed Oct 30, 2019 8:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your fleckking fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

Author:  x-ray [ Wed Oct 30, 2019 10:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Wanna, that’s older than you (and that’s OLD!) =;

Author:  wannabeeahack [ Thu Oct 31, 2019 12:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

x-ray wrote:
Wanna, that’s older than you (and that’s OLD!) =;


what is they say about the old ones?

Author:  edders23 [ Thu Nov 21, 2019 8:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

What do you call a fay French man......................................















................a faguette #-o

Author:  edders23 [ Wed Dec 11, 2019 1:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

A Politician is visiting a village on rural England. He walks around the village chatting with various villagers about rural life.

"If there is anything i can do for you, please just ask" he tells the villagers at a public meeting in the village hall.

"Well Sir, we have two issues locally. Firstly, we have a lovely local hospital, but no money for a full time doctor." A Villager tells him.

"No problem!" The politician replies. He whips out his mobile phone, dials a number and starts talking. He hangs up and turns to the crowd.

"I have guaranteed funding for a Full Time Doctor, just moments ago. You could have one in place by next week" the Politician announces, "What was the other issue?"

"What are your plans regarding the lack of Mobile Phone coverage in the area?" The Villager enquires...

Author:  edders23 [ Tue Dec 24, 2019 3:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Just been offered 8 legs of venison for £40


what do you reckon is that too dear ?

Author:  x-ray [ Tue Dec 24, 2019 3:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Just bought the wife’s Xmas present, a false leg. ( it’s just a stocking filler)

Author:  wannabeeahack [ Thu Jan 02, 2020 5:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. She looked down at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I just about managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

Author:  wannabeeahack [ Thu Jan 16, 2020 12:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Image

Author:  edders23 [ Mon Mar 02, 2020 8:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Glasgow woman arrested after beating her husband with a Stradavarius.

Police say its a very bad case of Domestic Violins.

Author:  edders23 [ Mon Mar 02, 2020 9:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Luggage handler at Glasgow Airport got kicks from smearing Vaseline on Luggage Handles.
Reports say Police have dropped the Case.

Author:  wannabeeahack [ Wed Mar 11, 2020 7:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Well that was fun, just been into Tesco, - they had no toilet paper at all.

Reluctantly I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.

Walking back to the toilets with my jeans around my ankles was a walk I never want to do again...

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