Taxi Driver Online

Sadly news has just reached us saying that the first member of this group has sadly died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 500 cans of assorted food, 100kg of pasta, 75kg of rice, 200 toilet rolls and 30L of hand sanitiser which he had panic bought from Aldi “just in case!”

The whole lot collapsed and buried the daft [edited by admin]!

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Freedom is never free

Ad in local paper today

FOR SALE:

100 bite sized sausage rolls
250 haggis bites
150 ready to eat cocktail sausages.
300 scotch Eggs
12 family bags of Doritos
5 jars salsa dip.

Genuine reason for selling......... misread headlines and went Picnic Buying.....

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On a serious note I heard a Dr. on TV this morning saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home is difficult but we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Gin, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of me valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how blumin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner ****. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!

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Not sure if this is genuine or not but got a text today saying I'd won £250 or 2 tickets to Elvis tribute show. It said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show

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I think you should go man, go!

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Father of the rank.

Not really a joke just a meme that one of my mates sent me saying,

If Labour had won the December election, and Corbyn had since got Covid-19, then we could have had Diane Abbott leading the country.

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IDFIMH

news just in the government has suggested using bras as face masks to combat shortages

But you can only use the left cup otherwise you would look a right tit

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THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

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Freedom is never free

It is no wonder they went bust.

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Grandad,
old fart with no heart

What Borders on stupidity.....................
































..........Canada and mexico

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According to a panel of comedians these are the best covid jokes of 2020



Why are Santa's Reindeer allowed to tow his slay this year...


...they have herd immunity


Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.

Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because, eventually, it’s behind you.

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Whats the similarity between me and Santa ?
We both leave your mums house with empty sacks !

Christmas is nothing special for your mum, she's used to hairy old men emptying their sacks in her bedroom !

Not sure this is a joke, but it made my mates laugh (or cry) when I told them.

Picked up a customer the other day and we got talking about the vaccine.

She said she has had her first dose but was a bit upset.

I asked why, did it hurt etc?

No she said, what has annoyed her was that she wanted the Oxford vaccine and they gave her the Astra Zeneca one instead.

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IDFIMH

After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Qantas_fatal_accidents

so these 14 must be imaginary then

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