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| New Jokes thread http://www.taxi-driver.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=28380 |
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| Author: | grandad [ Fri Mar 12, 2021 5:14 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
edders23 wrote: Quote: By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Qantas_fatal_accidents so these 14 must be imaginary then   Must be referring to the jet era . I blame Dustin Hoffman.
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| Author: | jimbo [ Fri Mar 12, 2021 5:43 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
edders23 wrote: Quote: By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Qantas_fatal_accidents so these 14 must be imaginary then Bit too soon to be funny? The never had a major accident quote is by Dustin Hoffman in Rainman. |
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| Author: | edders23 [ Fri Mar 12, 2021 9:18 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
speaking of which did you know that Dustin Hoffman was asked to play Trump in the forthcoming movie about his presidency But he turned it down because he said he wasn't senile enough to carry it off
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| Author: | wannabeeahack [ Sat Mar 13, 2021 2:40 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
Good job lockdown is over 
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| Author: | wannabeeahack [ Sat Mar 13, 2021 2:42 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
edders23 wrote: Quote: By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Qantas_fatal_accidents so these 14 must be imaginary then Nothing since 1951 then, some of those were fecking biplanes |
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| Author: | edders23 [ Sat Mar 13, 2021 6:24 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
wannabeeahack wrote: edders23 wrote: Quote: By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Qantas_fatal_accidents so these 14 must be imaginary then Nothing since 1951 then, some of those were fecking biplanes they've had a few close calls though but the quote in Rainman was scriptwriters licence
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| Author: | wannabeeahack [ Wed May 12, 2021 10:37 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
So auld Bertie goes to visit his doctor about how painful it is when he goes to the toilet. His wife, Lizzie, goes with him because Bertie is hard of hearing. After an examination, the Doctor says to Bertie, "Right, I'll need you to leave a urine, semen, and faeces sample for analysis." Auld Bertie has not quite heard the Doctor and turns to Lizzie and says,, "What did the Doctor say?" Lizzie looks at him and replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear." I'll get my coat.... |
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| Author: | edders23 [ Wed May 12, 2021 12:40 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
Jake and Larry are out shooting duck in New England countryside Larry gets lucky first shot and bags one but it falls onto the roof of a nearby barn. SO he decides to climb over the fence and retrieve it as he does a big burley farmer comes out and shouts at him "scuse me fella,but where do ya think your going" Larry " I want to get my duck I've just shot" Farmer "well it looks to me as it's fallen on my property so I think it's mine" Larry " I shot it" farmer " why don't we settle this country style" Larry " how do ya do that" Farmer " well we take turns to kick each other in the bollox and last man standing keeps the duck, I'll go first) So the farmer gives larry a big hard kick in the groin and Larry hits the ground screaming in agony. After 10 minutes he drags himself to his feet "right" he says "MY turn" "Nah " says the farmer "you can keep the duck" |
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| Author: | wannabeeahack [ Thu May 13, 2021 11:03 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
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| Author: | Sussex [ Tue Oct 26, 2021 10:12 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
This is just priceless. https://twitter.com/graemedouglas/statu ... usjeg&s=08 |
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| Author: | edders23 [ Tue Oct 26, 2021 4:42 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
Sussex wrote: didn't you know Homer used to always have coffee and donuts when he was writing the odyssey At least he didn't say rice pudding 
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| Author: | edders23 [ Mon Jun 13, 2022 4:24 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
Teacher asks her class "there are 3 crows on a fence the farmer shoots one how many are left ?" little Johnny puts his hand up "none miss" teacher "there were 3 crows and farmer only shot one" Johnny "none miss" teacher "explain your answer" Johnny " the noise of the shotgun scared the other two off" teacher " not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you're thinking" Johnny "miss can I ask you a question" teacher "OK" Johnny " there are three women sat on a wall with an ice cream; one is licking hers one biting and the other sucking hers which one is married" Teacher " the one sucking" Johnny " no it's the one wearing the wedding ring but I like the way you are thinking" |
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| Author: | x-ray [ Mon Jun 13, 2022 10:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
I attended a friend’s funeral today. Just as the service was about to start the priest asked me to say a few words. Before I could reply he was introducing me to the packed church!!! As I stood there all I could say was “ Bargain!” On the way back to my seat his wife approached me and said “that means a great deal”
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| Author: | wannabeeahack [ Wed Jun 22, 2022 6:19 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the M11 motorway at 11MPH so he says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120." |
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| Author: | x-ray [ Wed Jul 20, 2022 10:06 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: New Jokes thread |
Well, I thought I’d do my bit for the England womens team and put a flag up. I’ve had several complaints already, apparently, hanging a tea towel out the front window isn’t PC.
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