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New Jokes thread
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Author:  edders23 [ Tue Aug 23, 2016 9:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

voted funniest joke at the edinburgh fringe

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."

Author:  grandad [ Tue Aug 23, 2016 3:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

edders23 wrote:
voted funniest joke at the edinburgh fringe

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."

If that was the best, I'm glad I didn't go.

Author:  cabby john [ Tue Aug 23, 2016 4:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

grandad wrote:
edders23 wrote:
voted funniest joke at the edinburgh fringe

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."

If that was the best, I'm glad I didn't go.


I felt the same way. Having said that I suppose that the delivery and general feel and atmosphere at the time........should make it come across (shall we say) funny :roll:

Author:  grandad [ Tue Aug 23, 2016 4:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

cabby john wrote:
grandad wrote:
edders23 wrote:
voted funniest joke at the edinburgh fringe

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."

If that was the best, I'm glad I didn't go.


I felt the same way. Having said that I suppose that the delivery and general feel and atmosphere at the time........should make it come across (shall we say) funny :roll:

It is the sort of joke that Tim Vine would do.

Author:  wannabeeahack [ Wed Aug 24, 2016 11:22 am ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

cabby john wrote:
I felt the same way. Having said that I suppose that the delivery and general feel and atmosphere at the time........should make it come across (shall we say) funny :roll:



At a prison concert a guest comedian was watching a prisoner doing a comedy act and the guy was on stage..


he says..

22.....roars of laughter

56.....hysterical laughter with tears for many

79.....audience rolling about on the foor


he comes off stage and the visiting guest comedian asks "what was that all about?" to which the guy replied "well we arr lifers and weve heard all the jokes so many times we just use a reference number to save time"

the guest star comedian thinks "ill have some of that" so on he goes...


15.........nothing

37.........stony silence

66.........you could hear a pin drop

so he comes off and says to the prisoner comedian "what was wrong, were the joke i picked not good?"

the guy replied "no, great jokes but.....ITS HOW YOU TELL EM"

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

just splashed out on some new lingerie in ann Summers
Now the assistant says I have to pay for it :shock:

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

I just got asked the time by a British Gas repair man.
So I told the fooker it was between 8am and 1pm!

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Well, I lost my job as a Gynaecologist today eusasmiles.zip

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Rescuers looking for survivors after the earthquake in Italy say their efforts have been hampered by several aftershocks.

tbh , you would have thought that people involved in such serious work would have the decency to stay sober.

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

why men are not agony aunts

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the next door neighbours daughter making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 & she is 26, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Neville

:lol:

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

Sir Lenny Henry promises a good night's sleep on his Premier Inn tv ads. .


ironically, his stand up show promises exactly the same

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

I got run over by a limo this morning.

Took fooking ages :roll:

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

I rang up work this morning..

"My wife passed away in the early hours," I told them. "I'm going to need some time off work."

"Oh dear, sorry for your loss," the receptionist said. "And of course we understand. Take as much time off as you need."

"Thank you," I replied. "It'll be about eighteen years with good behaviour ."

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

well im not that ugly but ..When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.
By the time I was 13, I owned my own house

Author:  ven2112 [ Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: New Jokes thread

im bored again :lol: :lol: :lol:

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