Joined: Tue Oct 21, 2003 7:25 pm
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There were zero complaints about the following article;  What’s in a vehicle?
It appears the good people of Knowsley are to be freed from the clutches of the COF entering the free market of alternative vehicles. The entire UK taxi trade stood back in silence, passed wind, rolled over, fell asleep, woke up and then asked where the hell is Knowsley? Well considering the place has approximately 151,000 people, someone out there should know.
Well, my fine feathered friends, Knowsley district is just off the M57 it consists of the areas of Kirkby, Stockbridge Village, Huyton, Prescot, Whiston, Halewood, Knowsley Village, Cronton and Tarbock. Its main attraction seems to be a Safari park, where they keep people from Manchester.
It borders the fine City of Liverpool. Virtually all the local authorities surrounding Liverpool now accept alternative vehicles, the pressure is obviously on.
I like the phrase ‘alternative vehicle’ because it reminds me of ‘alternative comedy’, which is genre only a few people actually get (a bit like this column).
I have been somewhat bemused by comments made by some in the press. One report stated;
‘Liverpool Wheelchair User Group (LWUG) has backed a judicial review test case at the High Court against Liverpool because they claim refusing to use these cabs is an act of discrimination.
They argue that it is only possible to travel sideways in a traditional black cab and this is done without wheelchair restraints or seatbelts creating a substantial risk for disabled users.’
If the above quote is right, it would seem that either cab drivers in Liverpool don’t know how to load wheelchairs, or the LWUG doesn’t know its ar*e from its elbow. Admittedly – both are possible.
Unfortunately there are hundreds of wheelchairs, ranging from the Remploy Access 06A17 to the Invacare Zipper S / T, there’s even one called a quickie!
Now that’s not premature, wheelchairs do come in different weights and sizes. A fraction of wheelchairs are actually tested or guaranteed not to be smashed to smithereens in the very likely event of your cab being involved in a major road accident.
The above aside I am slightly confused to the differing attitude in the areas surrounding Liverpool. The ‘unite’ union in Liverpool are strongly in favour of the COF, whereas their Safari park brethren, in the same union, backed the increased choice for the humble Knowsley cabbie.
I don’t know what the Knowsley cabbies are quite expecting; one was quoted as saying;
‘My current cab offers only a seatbelt for protection in an accident and the cab area is quite small and basic.’
You lot must be going soft, my cab offers a baseball bat for protection. What am I to do with a seat belt, tie them up? Small and basic? I wonder what the chap was expecting. A caravan perhaps?
When it comes to the safety features offered in taxis, I wager more people have came to an unfortunate demise at the hands of a plant pot, than behind the wheel’s of a purpose built vehicle, yet I don’t go around calling for hanging baskets and window displays to be banned, possibly due to the comedic value.
True, certain models of alternative vehicles do come with air-bag’s, these are of use to those in the front, but arguably, of zero use to those in the rear, which is where the passenger is supposed to be. The passenger should be assured in the unlikely event of an accident the driver will be okay and probably able to extricate them from the partition, because passengers who wear seat belts are as common as cab drivers who wear them.
Indeed, the public should be aware if they spot a cab driver wearing a belt, he is more than likely a butterboy.
The above aside, and whilst the layout of the E7 (for example) is actually quite good, the driving position and all round visibility in a TX4 is arguably better.
A report stated alternative vehicles were more environmentally friendly, but so is walking and recycling pooh, and if taxi customers did that, we’d all be out of a job, but have very, very, green gardens.
All of this it comes down to choice, and more specifically, being allowed the choice. Having driven both vehicles, both have advantages and disadvantages.
I find this all strange, without a doubt the best ever engine fitted to the iconic London Taxi was Japanese, yet I don’t really like ‘Japs’ because they tortured my old next door neighbour Tom before making him build a Bridge. I’m not overly keen on the French either, well, because they’re French. Sure there’s a variation which is Italian, but do cab drivers really need six reverse gears?
It has been said, ‘If I want to go home in a van, I’ll get arrested’.
But, the above aside, if the Soviet Union hadn’t have been around after the war, do any of you actually think the US would have bothered going to the moon? No, they would have sat back, got fatter and ate more hamburgers. Competition spurred the space race, and competition will make the products and more importantly the taxi driver’s choice, and hopefully life, a whole lot better.
The biscuit dilemma
Unfortunately I don’t share the above opinion when it comes to regulating taxi numbers. I have long been of the opinion (well for almost a month) that neither locals, councillors nor indeed governments are best placed to decide, in-fact reading through the magazine, it would actually appear that the person best placed to decide, is in actual fact – ME!
Of course, if I did run the show there would be an instant ban on people with ginger hair, and short people, from driving cabs. Both seem quite justifiably angry with the hand dealt to them. But find it quite worrying that people with ginger hair can by any stretch of the imagination be considered ‘fit and proper’ – they’ve got ginger hair for Christ’s sake! Short people always seem overly aggressive, just like those ferocious little terriers, they always seem to be ticking. Obviously these views will be added to in future issues.
‘What biscuits for the next meeting? the choice is the delightful ‘Jacob's Orange Club’ or sublime ‘Rington’s Ginger Snap’ the council may ask. The strange thing is, at least in the biscuit department they may make a decision, this is unless they have to refer the ‘biscuit impasse’ to a higher committee, as it may bring a ‘Asda Fruit Shrewsbury with Lemon Drizzle’ problem, referred to in minute number 10065. And we know how tricky that one can be!
I will stop short, I was going to declare taxi policy could, to the casual observer, be seen to be decided by a bunch of window lickers, but that would be grossly unfair on the mentally disturbed. We are dealing with people who seem to think they can be transported from knitting cardigans, to deciding the entire transport infrastructure of a vast metropolis.
Little wonder a taxi rank can take 10 years to obtain, you’re dealing with people who don’t know what a taxi rank is.
We shouldn’t be surprised a cab driver can be treated like they’ve just committed ethnic cleansing, when in reality they’ve done 38 miles per hour in a 30 zone at 2am on a Sunday morning. I mean, there’s speeding, being unlucky and being just plain dumb. The plain dumb ones deserve to be punished, like union members, but honestly, doing 38 mph on a Sunday morning, on an A road, when there’s no other cars or pedestrians on the road?
“You have been brought before us today for doing 38 mph when driving your taxi, officer take him outside and shoot him!”
These people seem to think ‘discretion’ is somewhere in Mesopotamia. To be honest, I think they’d be lucky to find their own way home, that’s if they actually have a home, I’ve seen the dress sense of some, and you could be mistaken for believing before they attend council meetings they cover themselves in glue and run blindfold through a charity shop.
Expecting an uneducated person (or thicko) to understand the intricacies of a survey, act of parliament or even an escalator, is like asking the majority of you to understand the theory of relativity.
I am confused by many things in life, for example, Why did Newcastle United sell James Milner, why can’t I smoke in my own taxi, with window open, when there’s no passenger, and wtf is a ‘Tesla Girl’? being merely three. But, Councillors are the all seeing and all knowing. Admittedly, they are advised by licensing officers, and this is perhaps little like getting directions to Boot’s from a Chechen freedom fighter, and whist I fully respect some, others seem to regard the cab driver in the same manner as we regard a drunken passenger going RTFC with no money.
If we had run the war like councils run our Cities, without a doubt we would all be called ‘Fritz’ and speaking German.
Councils quite simply haven’t the first idea of how to organise transport, true they are advised by alleged experts, who all look like their aged 12. But that aside, couldn’t these people be considered even more retarded than the councillors? It’s all well and good looking at a ‘super-dooper’ computer simulation, where all cars travel 3 feet from bumper to bumper at 8.4 mph, but this anything like real life?
The computer doesn’t seem to realise the bloke in the grey Vectra actually ‘chose’ to buy a Vectra, the guy in the ‘Mondeo’ has suddenly developed a flat tyre and is about to change it in the inside lane. And the person in the gold coloured Nissan Micra is in fact my mother in law, who has the road-sense of a hedgehog with a bad bout of flu. These people don’t seem to believe its even possible car manufacturers can subject us to vehicles such as the ‘Morris Marina’.
For no reason whatsoever, we see plans drawn up for City Centres, traffic flows are altered for the motorists own good, without warning we have cones appear overnight, with no ‘roadworkery’ for weeks. These decisions are made in Town and county Halls, by lunatics who are so engrossed in their cross stitch they have no actual idea about the weeks of doom they are about to inflict upon the motorist.
I was recently speaking to Casey; he told me he hasn’t walked around Carlisle’s City Centre since 1987, yes 1987, the last time he wandered around his City Centre Rick Astley was at the top of the hit parade with ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’. That’s over 20 years without walking around the centre of his home City. Why? Well he can’t park his car there and flatly refuses to go.
Yet this is the thing, the government seem to be run by window lickers too.
They seem to have a vision of deregulated taxis, council’s are advised they should consider more regulations, all done in the public interest (obviously). Councils seem to believe regulations must mean ‘age controls’. I am yet to be convinced that a drunken bum staggering on a rank is so partisan that he prefers to vomit in new cabs over old.
All of this comes under a rather quaint turn of phrase called ‘quality control’ (why do I get a vision of the third reich when I hear that phrase?), in terms of the vehicle and as explained above, this means ‘age control’ and possible ‘WAV only’ policies. In terms of the driver it means B tech, NVQ, DSA driving test, medicals and knowledge tests. Rather than limit numbers, they see it as ‘raising the bar’, effectively controlling applicants via higher standards as opposed to numerical plate restriction.
There is a training course out there where you complete the exam ‘on-line’. You are given a password to log in and then you take the exam from the comfort of your own home or caravan. Now call me slightly sceptical, but ain’t that as open to abuse as the 100% knowledge success rate in a certain area where the translator was found to be doing the exam for the student?
Personally I think it’s a load of old crap, you have both government and local authorities physically manipulating policy, nobody actually knows if the end product will be any better. Hang on a minute....the people of Wirral know its a failure, as do the people of Sheffield, and the people of Birmingham don’t seem particularly happy either. But I can see there point, Birmingham is truly awful.
The above aside deregulation doesn’t seem to work to any plan, and if it does work to a plan its a totally insane one, possibly dreamed up by a mad scientist, it’s a plan to license as many taxis as possible. Adolf Hitler had a plan, fair enough it was totally mental, but the plan was ‘Lebensraum’ or living space for the Germanic people. We don’t even get extra ranks! I don’t expect my LA to annex Austria or anything, I just want somewhere to park my cab and wait for punters.
In their wisdom the government effectively stopped something called ‘zoning’. Now to me ‘zoning’ is nothing more than a tool a council can use to ensure all places within its district have coverage of cabs. To you, ‘zoning’ maybe something they used to do in ‘Star Trek’, but, perhaps I am dealing with idiots here. In actual fact its giving a council the power to say ‘that hackney carriage can work in that town, and that one works there’, unfortunately zoning is now banned (like smoking and possibly breathing), and if an LA give it up, it cant even say ‘oh [edited by admin], we need zoning there’s no cabs there goddammit’. It’s a little bit like being a football manager and not being able to pick your own team (no that’s allegedly Newcastle United and West Ham).
What happens next is the government decide we have too many LA’s and this is costing the tax payer money...(I actually agree we have about 360 ish too many), so in turn we are going to get ‘super-dooper’ (wow two times in one article) authorities covering vast swathes of the country. Now excuse me for asking, what happens to the cabs? Does this mean my mate from Hicksville can come to my metropolis and ply for hire? Well, without ‘zoning’ this is going to happen.
Its all well and good the mentally deficient saying ‘the clever cabby will work the bergs, coz that’s where the work will be’ because that’s not true to anyone with more than one brain cell, they think ‘Big City party time dude!’ and the fella in Hicksville walks home.
In many respects I think we all have to ask whatever happened to the Iraqi Information Minister, I seem to be coming to the conclusion he works in government, both local and national.
The Taxitalk Motoring column
If the Ford Mondeo could speak, it would undoubtedly say ‘He couldn’t afford a Jag’. It is to taxis what Arthur Dent was for hitchhiking, a complete disaster that nobody understands. Indeed, it may have well been designed by Marvin the Paranoid Android, looking too big and trying too hard. The looks are obviously a [edited by admin] disguise, perhaps similar to a Klingon cloaking device, because in truth the Mondy is neither. It has a reverse type of ‘Tardis’ effect, it is actually smaller on the inside. In the majority of cases they are driven by people who should possibly be followed by the police.
If rumours are correct Skoda are embarrassed by the success of the Octavia in the taxi and minicab markets, apparently normal people (therefore not cab and PH drivers) are not buying them in serious numbers, they regard the Octavia as a minicab. The Octavia does to taxi work what Greggs do for traditional home made pie shops. Indeed, the question needs to be asked about what on earth has happened to the quality of Greggs pies these days, I know were in a credit crunch, but the last Cornish pasty I had from there was totally minging.
Back to the Octavia, the legroom is ‘crap’, unless your passengers are Frodo Baggins.
During the World War II occupation of Czechoslovakia by the Nazis, the Škoda works was turned into part of Hermann Göring Werke serving the German World War II effort. Goring committed suicide, presumably after seeing the early drawings of the 1101 series.
As most of you will be aware, Skoda is owned by Volkswagen, it can hardly be any surprise that Skoda are regarded, perhaps unfairly, as the poor mans Volkswagen.
The Vauxhall Vectra looks like a Vauxhall Cavalier, a cab driver who chooses one of these has no obvious ambition and should perhaps contemplate train spotting for a hobby.
The Skoda Superb (old model). Fabulous legroom! Unfortunately that is all that is seemingly going for the ‘Superb’. I mean when a driver says ‘Yeah but look at the legroom’, what the hell does that say for the rest of the vehicle? What about ‘feel the power in this beast’, ‘hey granny! this thing takes corners like you just wouldn’t believe wayhey!’?
Saloon cars were never designed to be taxis, they were designed to take a family of four to the seaside, or a sales rep to Rotherham. This why saloon’s used as taxis are totally pants. Indeed, all of the above cars are front wheel drive, and front wheel drive cars are totally rubbish.
Of course the one key thought from all passengers in saloon vehicles is the same ‘give the nice driver a tip, he couldn’t afford a ‘proper’ taxi’.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
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