The bairn writes:-
The Casey Column
By
Wayne Casey (LL SC) (Luvvie Luvvie - Silly Cnu)
The views expressed in this column may not be those of the National Taxi Association
In other words, they don't want to put their hands up to this drivel
Wirral to survey, taxitalk (The trade's answer to the Beano) takes credit?
Very often when I start writing (?) this column (Puerile shecht) I’m many days, sometimes many months away from the actual point where you’ll be sitting in your cab (or on the toilet (wiping your sphincter after a bowel movement with Wean's pash) reading the magazine. Today for example it’s Good Friday, although there’s been nothing particularly good about it, save for Carlisle United’s 3-1 win over the mighty Bristol Rovers (That's ambition for you) .
Those of you who regularly read the magazine will realise that during the course of this year various writers, well the Reiver to be completely accurate, has severely questioned the various motives and moves of Wirral Borough Council (Oh dear, I guess I missed this). Two issues of questioning and then all of a sudden, and in complete surprise to even the most optimistic trade representative, Wirral MBC order a survey of demand.
I am somewhat sceptical about Wirral council’s motives, whilst I welcome the sudden change of heart, I can’t help but think the criticism the council has received for its cantankerous attitude about all things taxi is something more than a mere coincidence. I can say that we are in an election year, the votes of the taxi community and of course their family and friends are quite important, as is the timing of the survey decision.
If I was of the suspicious type, I would suggest the timing was everything. By the time the survey has taken place, the good councillors of the Wirral will be safely back in their seats ready to take a fresh look at the taxi situation (Aye you've got it sussed Wean).
What will have changed? Well in my opinion nothing. Wirral will still be the same size as it was at the time of the previous survey, there will be an oversupply in places like Birkenhead and ranks bereft of taxis, therefore showing a latent demand, in other parts of the Borough (That'll be unmet demand then).
Unless the taxi trade of the Wirral dispense with the unused ranks in the outer areas, or dare I suggest moves are made towards zoning the borough, then the survey will neither address the situation nor regain regulation (Aye, regulation is a big prize. Customer walk home at best, or get raped or murdered at worst. But whatr's a wee rape or murder when compared with important things like delivering a vested interest for taxi owners?) .
Of course, if you do, questions will need asked as to what has changed since the last survey?
How refreshing
Very often the good councillors of our nation do receive the wrath of my keyboard (yeah? Wow. Tremblersville or what?), yet this month I’m quite happy to report to you of a council that has seemingly reaffirmed its position ensuring their licensing department know who is actually in charge (Let's guess, it's not customers, or those who actually do the work, eh Wean?)
The Birmingham Mail reported immigrants and refugees arriving from war-torn countries will no longer have an easy ride into a career as taxi drivers in Birmingham under plans being considered. The councillors were responding to a sharp increase in private hire and hackney carriage license applications from people coming from abroad.
They are apparently not happy that many cannot provide criminal record checks from their former home countries, forcing them to approve for work applicants who have given British citizenship or permission to stay on the back of a reference from a doctor, police officer or councillor.
Now members of the council’s licensing committee have proposed that those from what the authority termed “failed states” should spend at least five years living conviction-free in the UK before they will be given a licence (Blatant institutional racism. No probs for the ean though.).
The committee also refused to delegate certain decisions to council officers, saying councillors should be the judges of whether a person is fit to drive a cab or not.
Coun Bruce Lines said: “I am not happy about this delegating power (Surprise surprise. NOT!!!). It seems that if you have left an aggressive regime you can be here for five minutes and get a licence.” (We live in an aggressive regime and can't get a licence)
Coun Barbara Dring added: “There seem to be an awful lot of these coming to our sub-committees lately. “ I wonder if people know they only need a reference and their licence will get a rubber stamp. We have got to be more robust, there has to be another way of checking backgrounds.” (We have to be more racist)
The idea for the five-year policy came from Coun Nigel Dawkins who said: “There is no evidence available from these states. Perhaps they should have five years of good behaviour in this country before we consider them.” (Aye, racism's a great gig. We get to keep our own taxi fodder happy. The units of production will be ecstatic that we've secured their slavery to the vested taxi interest cause)
The committee did however officers should investigate whether such a policy would meet with human rights legislation. (Who cares. Racism rules. Why let a little matter of Human Right spoild a vested interest? Remember the feckwits can't afford to challenge us anyway.)
Whilst I applaud the good councillors of Birmingham’s licensing committee for this decision, especially when many other areas are seemingly now dispensing with their power and giving licensing departments a free hand, I do wonder what the legal people will come back with. I’ll try to keep you informed. (That'll be no guarantee of sucess then Wean?)
My “disappointing” Skoda
One of the advantages of writing in taxitalk (yeah?) is that I can write about anything that comes to mind (Feel free to spare us). Currently there is one thing on my mind (?); it’s my Skoda gearbox, which whines like a Liverpool supporter talking about Rafa Benitez.
I have been reliably informed the ‘diff’ bearings are, and I quote the correct mechanical term; ‘completely f*cked’. The formerly reliable Skoda name is therefore now in question. I look at the useless boxy shaped b*stard on the driveway shake my head and think ‘you useless ugly b*stard.....how could you?’ (You have a mirror on your drive?)
The Skoda will now have to go, I search therefore, for a new beast of vast acceleration, which must have no less than 4 doors and be over 1600cc to comply with my councils somewhat idiotic requirements. (That'll be a rickshaw then)
Yes I want something that will do 0 – 60 in a little less than 7 seconds, it must take corners like a bullet train on full tilt, and it must have a Quaker like attitude towards quenching its thirst.
My choice is seemingly limited. Ford Mondeo, Vauxhall Insignia, Toyota Prius, Toyota Avensis, Peugeot 407, Mercedes E class, Volkswagen Passat, Chrysler 300C, and Kia and so on. You would imagine I would have a decent choice of vehicles to select from, certainly more choice than those of you who have no alternative but to license WAV’s.
Unfortunately I haven’t, and pah!.....a WAV is an absolute ‘no-no’. So let’s go through this list. Firstly I must remove those who don't advertise in taxitalk, and then I have to remove those who are not members of the National Taxi Association and therefore have no interest in my trade and my job. Tough rules I know, but why support those that don't support us?
The Kia is out of the question anyway. Yes, it has a massive warranty, yes it is built on proven technology, but my faith is destroyed by the Korean likening towards consuming our four legged friends. I could never buy a car which has been made by a person who may have chewed on “Fido sandwiches” during lunch.
I’m sure the Peugeot is a fine car; unfortunately it comes from a nation to which I have a passionate dislike, France. I’m sorry, any country which eats horses has got to have a serious problem.
Toyota? When I was growing up my old next door neighbour was called ‘Tom’, he was a nice old guy who kept ‘Zebra’ finches, a perfect garden and a Vauxhall Chevette, he used to wash and polish the Chevette each Sunday. He was tortured by the Japanese in World War Two. How on earth could I buy a car from a nation who tortured my favourite ever next door neighbour?
Besides, my old man once tried to join the masons and was blackballed by the local Toyota dealer because the vehicle he sold my dad was a bag of bolts and my old man had the audacity to complain.
Obviously my choice is limited, I need a vehicle that saw off Japanese Imperialism, **** domination and the tyranny of the masons. This leaves me with the British Car industry, or the American, neither of which exactly enthuse.
I know the TX is a good vehicle purpose built for the job, unfortunately my council don't, therefore I’ll be competing with people who operate at substantially lower costs, which in a deregulated market, I cant.
That leaves Ford or Vauxhall. The Mondeo is a good car. I know I did once call it a poor mans Jaguar, but I am a poor man, does that make a difference? The Vauxhall Insignia is a nice looking car too. So will it be the flick of a coin?
Well no it won’t actually, I’m going for a DUKW;
Yes I know it weighs 6.5 tonnes, I know it is 31 feet in length, and it has no wheelchair facility, but it’s got a facility for a machine gun for Christ’s sake! This vehicle would be ideal for certain parts of Carlisle, particularly during the rainy season.
Sense in Fenland
Those who read this column will be aware my complete ignorance of geography, apparently there IS actually a place called ‘Fenland and I didn’t dream it’, you crazy lot will be telling me Harry Potter doesn’t exist next!
I am however pleased to advise that in the mystical place of Fenland a new councillor has been elected, in electoral terms the new councillor didn’t so much as beat the opposition, it was more akin to showing his backside to the other opponents and asking them to kiss his white ass. The new councillor collected more votes than the four other candidates combined.
I don't know if cab driver and newly elected councillor Dave Patrick reads taxitalk, presumably if he subscribes this will explain the Griffin that flies into taxitalk towers at the beginning of each month to deliver the magazine to mystical addresses? But if he does, well done me auld son, that’s one large success for the good guys, just don't try world domination, that’s my job.
Dave has a rather large task ahead, the council currently consists of 38 Tories, 1 independent and Dave.
Those NTA Individuals
The National Taxi Association introduced individual membership after its conference at Eastbourne last October, so far the NTA have reported the new membership scheme as an absolute success. (So, how many single indivuals joined. Was it even a single individual?)
For 10p per day you can be part of the UK’s fastest growing organisation.
Benefits of membership include regular email correspondence with yours truly (Benefit? You having a laugh?), keeping you up to date with all things taxi, and access full access to the NTA website, which behind its many doors are members areas where such things as rather interesting court cases, minutes and suchlike are contained.
The taxi trade need a strong representative body, join the NTA!! (Nuts To Ars+holes)
For further details; www.national-taxi-association.co.uk
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