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Sausage rolls and a taxi with a Magic Tree air freshener? Come off it, Katie!By Jan Moir
Last updated at 10:40 PM on 6th January 2011
Comments (24) Add to My Stories Fairytale wedding: William and Kate are planning a frugal reception on April 29
Pity the poor wedding planner who has been landed with the ­Windsor/Middleton gig. It is a tricky brief, it really is.

All parties want the exact opposite of the usual demands from cash-strapped fathers of the bride or whoever is in charge; which is to make a little go a long way.

A champagne celebration at a sparkling wine price. A fairy-tale wedding without a Grimm ending. And for God’s sake, keep Aunt Gladys away from the chocolate fountain before the kids have had the chance to have a go.

That is not the situation here, where all the key players have millions of pounds to spare, not to mention the lucky couple bagging the Grade I Central London reception venue for free.

No, the real problem for the Wills and Kate organisers will be disguising the walloping amounts of dosh sloshing around, while still ensuring that Queenie and the pampered gang have a good time. Thus keeping the Royals happy while appeasing the off-with-their-heads mob who demand a no-frills, economy wedding in the Age of Austerity. We’re all in this together, remember?

Will the powers-that-be get it right? At this moment, official wedding elves are probably steaming the Genuine Beluga labels off the caviar tins, replacing them with tags that read: Tesco Lumpfish Roe (Reduced To Clear). And please, that’s not gold leaf in the turtle soup, no way, it’s just that the chandeliers are flaking!

Yet let us hope they don’t go too far down the road to frugality. Like the Olympics, a royal wedding is a grand excuse to sell the best of Britain plc to the world.

Perhaps the very best excuse of all, given the locations, the cast, the history, the costumes, the romance and the glamorous whoosh of Kate Middleton’s hair, which could star in a ceremony all on its own. So please, people. Not too many cutbacks. No cheap fireworks. No mother of the bride doing The Slosh while passing around the defrosted Iceland party platters as Prince Edward provides the cabaret and Prince

Harry pays for the first round of drinks at the Mahiki after-party.

We’ve got an international reputation to consider here. We want pomp and pageantry.

Blow the moaners — we want it done right.

Yet the news emerging from St James’s Palace this week is worrying. It has been decided that at her wedding in April, Kate Middleton will be the first Windsor bride for 48 years to arrive at the church in a car rather than a glass coach.

Yes, it will be one of the Queen’s fleet of limousines rather than a minicab with a Magic Tree air freshener dangling from the rear view mirror, but still. Come on. Millions of little girls and boys — and me! — will be sorely disappointed at this lack of sense of occasion.
What is the point of a royal wedding if not to see and sigh at the iconic image of a dewy beauty, perfect in her crystallised, white tulle gorgeousness, being driven in a golden coach pulled by ­trotting ponies, onwards through the streets of London to marry her Prince Charming?

Not to be. It won’t be a stylish marriage, they can’t afford a carriage. Yet one suspects that this is far less because of financial worries, and more because both sides are paralysed with terror at the thought of any scenes involving Kate that will invoke the memory of poor, doomed Lady Diana Spencer on her wedding day.


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So it’s no glass coach for this modern miss — until she has married William, and is on her way back to the Palace, as a fully-fledged Mrs Princess.

Yet once back there, something else cheese-paringly awful awaits. Instead of a royal wedding breakfast, for the first time there is to be a cost-cutting, royal wedding buffet. A buffet? At Buckingham Palace? As Princess Michael of Kent used to say when refused second helpings at the annual Balmoral sausage sizzle, I’ve never heard the like.

Seasoned buffeteers such as Prince Andrew and Fergie (were she to be invited) know that the trick is to get in early and get in hard, like the Arsenal back four.

Yet many will still find it difficult to imagine the Queen scrumming down at the buffet hotplates, torn between the sole Veronique, the pineapple gammon or the assorted savoury finger foods.



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