INDEEP-END-ENCE
In a BBC interview the First Minister King Alex the First, Emperor of the Universe and Master of all he surveys said that the vote on independence will be the biggest decision Scots will have made in 300 years. He also used the interview to demand that the Elgin Marbles be returned to Elgin.
So he’s on about the independence thing, again. He’s obsessed by independence. He’s like independence’s stalker and I’m surprised that independence hasn’t taken a restraining order out against him
As for the Scots making the decision. We should not be allowed to make any decisions at all because we are completely rubbish at it. Look how many terrible decisions we’ve made over the years. Literally thousands of Scots have decided “You know, I’ve had a few pints so I think I’ll go up to the biggest and mentalist looking guy in the pub and tell him that his burd is a dog”. And didn’t someone at STV decide to make a programme called The Hour and have Michelle McManus present it. And didn’t Michelle McManus decide to try to get herself into the Guinness Book of Records for being the person who has eaten the most chips in the world. Admittedly she did manage that........
That’s just three of the bad decisions made by Scots, but there are just so many more. Scot Harrison decided when in Spain that stealing a car and attacking a policeman might be a bit of a laugh. And Kenny MacAskill also decided that releasing Al Megrahi because that might be a bit of a laugh too. And didn’t the Krankies decide that telling the world about their swinging wouldn’t lead both astonishment and revulsion. Which it did with 10% astonishment and 90% revulsion, but in fairness the mere thought of the Krankies swinging is now being used as a wonder cure for people suffering from sex addictions.
But when it comes to politics that’s when the Scots make the worst decisions of all. Gordon Brown completely ****ed up the country, yet he still retained his seat in Fife at the last election, which leads me to believe that the people of Fife don’t read the papers or watch the news, or they are simply ****ing idiots. And when it comes to even worse decisions the people of North, East and West of Scotland are asking “How the **** did Joan McAlpine get enough votes from the people of the South of Scotland to become their MSP?”. If she doesn’t prove that Scots can’t be trusted to make a decision I don’t know what does. Yes, because she’s just what Scotland needs eh, another ginger with an over inflated opinion of themselves in public office.
Alex Salmond chose today to hijack Burns NIght to outline his vision for the forthcoming referendum. On a nationalistic level he didn’t really have that many choices because Scotland doesn’t really have that many Scottishie Days. There’s St Andrews Day and today, Rabbie Burns birthday. That makes two, but there actually are six very important days in the Scottish Calendar. The other four are June the Sixth which is the date on which Colin first met Justin, July the fifteenth, the day when a chippie owner accidentally dropped a pizza in the fryer and the deep fried pizza was born, September the ninth, which is a national holiday to celebrate the date of the very first time ever that Billy Connolly ran about in the scud on TV shouting “Does anyone want to see my willie” and October the third commemorates that day in 1971 when someone in Shettleston went to doctors with an actual illness instead of just going to ask the doctor to give them a note mentioning their bad back to justify their claim for disability allowance. Salmond could have chosen any of those important dates in the Scottish calendar but he went with the day of Burns Night, the reason being that he really couldn’t wait until June the sixth because the calls of “Alex, stop stalling and for Jesus's ****’s sake get on with it” were getting so loud that they were drowning out Joan McAlpine’s shrill militant feminist clichéd rantings. And we just couldn’t have that could we?
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