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100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of London Cab drivers give the rest a bad name.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Don't [edited by admin] me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Multi-tasking means screwing up several things at once.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
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