Taxi Driver Online

Toots i am guessing you fantasise about Skippy.

I did buy my wife something from Ann summers a rabbit but got hungry and ate it

You ate a rabbit and you can still walk ok? It didn't suffer from that disease then, mixesyourtoesup.

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Grandad,

Rampant Rabbit

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit said,

"Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come, run with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint. He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit. They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit said,

"Elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest."

The elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror, tossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up. The rabbit said,

"Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest."

The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the needle and started to beat the living daylights out of the rabbit. Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked,

"Lion, why are you doing this? He was only trying to help you." The lion answered,

"This little f***er? He makes me run around the forest like a f***ing idiot every time he's on ecstasy.

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends..

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided To amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The Mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,



"What's for dinner, Batman?"

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'





The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

_________________
IDFIMH

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, "At last they're together. At last they're together."

A mourner whispers, "Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!"

The first mourner responds, "I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!"

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a £50 note.

Looking incredulously at the note, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't change this! I need exact change."

"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"
"Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.

"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"

"Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what?" asked the collector.
"A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

"What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.
"Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

"Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked.
"Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?"

"...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet."

"SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?"

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

Two completely A**holed Irish navvies stumble onto a railway track....
After two miles one say's to the other.....
"Feckin long staircashe thish Paddy"...

Scottish thought for the day:

A recent study conducted by Aberdeen University found that the average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year!!

This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud to Be Scottish doesn't it ?

Cheers!

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

Things you do when waiting at lights http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df8loLzMboE

A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

HOW TO GET RID OF A ONE-NIGHT STAND‏ ,one for toots

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyHdeqLOk8U