Taxi Driver Online

My wife says I never do anything to take her breath away.

I threw her inhaler in the canal.

That should do it.

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

Fast forward to 2006 - it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

The only cow in a small town in Australia stopped giving milk.

The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in India quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from India and it was wonderful, produced
lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they
would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the
bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who
was very wise, tell him what was happening, and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward", they said.
"When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."


The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking, "Did you by any chance, buy this cow in India?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever
mentioned that they had brought the cow over from India.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in India?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,


"My wife is from India"

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

Jaap Stam, Andy Cole and David Beckham noticed that Alex Ferguson always left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that when Alex Ferguson leaves, they'll all leave early too. Later in the day they see Alex Ferguson leave early so they do too.

Jaap Stam goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. Andy Cole goes home and cooks dinner for his family. David Beckham goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife, Posh Spice in bed with Alex Ferguson, so he shuts the door and leaves quietly.

The next day Jaap Stam and Andy Cole are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask David Beckham if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No way! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

An English ventriloquist come to Madrid where he performs his act at an English pub. Unknown to him, David Beckham is in the audience, and embarrassingly enough he and his dummy start telling all their favourite David Beckham jokes.

After a while, poor David can stand it no more. He gets up and starts heckling the ventriloquist.

"I'm sick of this. Don't you understand that it's guys like you that make me a figure of fun? Do you ever stop to think how I might feel about your incessant jokes?"

"I'm sorry, mate," says the ventriloquist. "It's just a bit of fun."

"Keep out of it you," replies David, "I'm talking to the little fella on your knee."

How old must this joke be? You could have at least up dated it a bit.

_________________
Grandad,

My God this one must be nearly as old. Beckham is now in Milan.

_________________
Grandad,

No he is in Finland

I've had this one sent to my mobile only it was a blonde jokes

_________________
Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

A husband walks into Marks & Spencers to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from 250 pounds to 500 pounds in price,
the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the 500 pounds and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the 500 pounds refund for myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Lord! You'd think that for 500 pounds they'd at least iron it!'


He never heard the shot.


Funeral is Monday.

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

There's no danger i would be fined for this
http://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/scotsol ... willy.html

Must have been hugeeeeeeeeee

Why did she want to taste it?

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

The local police was looking for a new police officer, so Skippy - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the police officer drawled, "skippy, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The police officer thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that skippy supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now skippy, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
skippy looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, skippy wandered over to the pub where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. skippy was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"