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PostPosted: Tue Jun 29, 2010 7:21 pm 
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grandad wrote:
grumpy wrote:
A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess; "Will you marry me?"

And the Princess said "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end


Year, that realy is a fairy tale. No one would believe that this could happen in real life. :mrgreen:


Don't knock it. It's kinda of what my brother has done. Mind you he has 3 sisters to take care of :wink:

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 9:26 am 
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Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 p.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --My brother delivered a newspaper, seven days a week. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it... I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 11-14 =You're older than dirt!

I must be 'older than dirt' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....I just did!


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 10:14 am 
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FFS I can remember the lot,plus 100 black jacks for a tanner, an outside loo with running water well it was a plank with a hole in it above a stream, and squares of the news of the world on a string, bath night in a tin bath after everyone else, searching for pop bottles to get the deposit 3d back, or borrow them from another shops back door and take them elsewhere lol
getting the one with enough to get into the cinema to pay and then open the bog window to let the other 20 in for the sat matinee :D
free calls from a A or B button phone box just by taping out the number :D
The dreaded wait till your dad gets home you knew what was coming :shock: :cry:


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 12:51 pm 
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skippy41 wrote:
free calls from a A or B button phone box just by taping out the number


I don't get that one. How did that work?

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 1:47 pm 
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grandad wrote:
skippy41 wrote:
free calls from a A or B button phone box just by taping out the number


I don't get that one. How did that work?


Lift the receiver, dial 1 number and then tap it out on the bit where you hang up

So dial 5 then tap 5 and so on folk could stay on as long as they wanted for free
it was a good way to make some extra pocket money as well as the punters used to give you the price of the phone call they would have spent calling :D :D


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 2:56 pm 
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skippy41 wrote:
grandad wrote:
skippy41 wrote:
free calls from a A or B button phone box just by taping out the number


I don't get that one. How did that work?


Lift the receiver, dial 1 number and then tap it out on the bit where you hang up

So dial 5 then tap 5 and so on folk could stay on as long as they wanted for free
it was a good way to make some extra pocket money as well as the punters used to give you the price of the phone call they would have spent calling :D :D


No, I can't say that I heard of that one. We used to call the operator and tell her that we got cut off from dial a disc and she used to re-connect us and leave it for around 10 minutes before cutting us off. We used to do that at least once a week. I am sure she knew that we hadn't any money but put us through anyway. :mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:25 pm 
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Ah the joys of party lines. like telling folk to "get off it quick as there's a train coming" :lol:

PS I've heard/remember being told about the tapping thing. Can't remember anyone doing it tho'. :cry:

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 5:17 pm 
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,

enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine..


After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,



'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 5:19 pm 
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A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special..

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,


'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,


'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'


In a huff, the woman says,



'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 6:23 pm 
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Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a book entitled " You Can Be The Man
of Your House". He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house
and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm
finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex
I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage
my feet and hands and fluff my pillows and make me comfortable for a good
night's sleep. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair
?"




The wife replied,








"The f*****g funeral director would be my first guess! "


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 07, 2010 12:19 pm 
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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of s--t

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 4:39 pm 
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There are two almost identical pictures; you have to find three differences.

If you can find three differences, then you will be doing really well.
This has been tested on 8000 people, and only 19 people out of 8000 found the three differences I have found only 2 differences
let me know the result...

Click here http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:45 pm 
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stationtone wrote:
There are two almost identical pictures; you have to find three differences.

If you can find three differences, then you will be doing really well.
This has been tested on 8000 people, and only 19 people out of 8000 found the three differences I have found only 2 differences
let me know the result...

Click here http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf


I should know better by now than to trust you lot with pictures :roll: :lol: :lol:

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:31 pm 
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I got this in an e-mail today its a good read

The following is an extract from the latest Mills and Boon novel. With writing like this there really is no need for pictures:

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm. She moaned with despair each time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace.
I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, "Baaaa" and rejoined the flock.


THIS BOOK IS ONLY FOR SALE IN NEW ZEALAND, WALES AND CERTAIN PARTS OF NORTH EAST SCOTLAND!

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:00 pm 
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grumpy wrote:



THIS BOOK IS ONLY FOR SALE IN NEW ZEALAND, WALES AND CERTAIN PARTS OF NORTH EAST SCOTLAND!


Quite popular in Cumbria as well, I hear......... :lol:

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