Taxi Driver Online

I hope you're not as old as that joke

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.
"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'.

If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"

"Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome."

"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.

"It's not unusual," replied the doctor

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Life? Don't talk to me about life!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjm2eslm6hI

THIS VERY FUNNY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZ3lw-eNrFk

brings back memories

He is!!!!!!!!!!

Crash proof motor bike http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXFDzpXf ... r_embedded NOT!

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, agang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in allthe activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. Theychatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunchbreaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feelimportant.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with apay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl tookher 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the

bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:'I think so. Provided those w * nkers at Jewsons deliver the f * cking bricks.'

The best way to wake up your girlfriend

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptpl68MPqCg

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

Frankie Boyle's Most Offensive Jokes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzV6fpSnkh0

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness

& sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three,

He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ............................... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says,

"Bejesus, everyone is fine!

Tis me
........................ I've Quit Drinking!"

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,
'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a prostitute and your dad were a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'

A woman said I wish I had bigger breasts

her husband said try pushing them into the settee and staying like that for a day

she said will that work

he said well it worked on your arse

Lost at the pub quiz last night
What is the largest lake in the world
Apparently Pakistan isn't correct

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action?”

“Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his very serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955,” he replied.

“Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, ”Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.”









The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not maam ; it's only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time)

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the ne wspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

man & woman in very dark woods making love.man says "i wish i had a torch" woman says "so do i,you've been licking the grass for the last 10 minutes"