Taxi Driver Online

I hate Friday traffic

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

I hate Friday's, always have, always will.

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IDFIMH

Set off for home this afternoon and should have arrived about 6ish and I've just got home. It's like a cross between the whacky races and dodgem cars ffs, that is when you can actually move

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

Retirement Bonus . .


The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured fromthe tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'

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Justice for the 96. It has only taken 27 years...........repeat the same lies for 27 years and the truth sounds strange to people!

You know it's christmas when you get 2 wobblys in Plymouth, cheers Mr Fish When do I get to return the favour?

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

I thought that you got 2 wobblys where ever you went.

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Grandad,

No only ever in Plymouth and usually only one

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed – and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!”

A few weeks later it’s Christmas morning – and they’re all are standing next to each other on the first tee box.

One friend exclaims, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can’t even take her eyes off it.” Another friend says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

The third friend replies “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car” reading the manual.” Silence from the fourth guy”

The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds.

“I can’t believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, “Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what’s it gonna be?” and she said “Take a sweater.”

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

A Nun’s Bad Day of Golf




A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior . ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green….and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the hole!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

‘You missed the f#ckin’ putt, didn’t you?’

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

http://youtu.be/79v_AFfGH6Y

I'm just curious, WHY? Btw if you're squirmish don't look

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

What made you curious?

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if you cannot be yourself, then who can you be.

I don't even remember the content of this link and it doesn't show anymore so can't help, but, most links are forwarded to me cos I'm not a great one for searching for things

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

What made you curious to ask?

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Grandad,

Have you opened the link I would have expected some of our twisted males on here to have found this link, but not (Best little Britain voices)...........a Lady

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if you cannot be yourself, then who can you be.