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I’ve written before about the various groups that sit on transport committees, these include taxi associations, bus companies, train companies, ramblers, lesbian ramblers, left handed gay Evertonian’s, city council officials, city councillors, county council officials, county councillors and amongst the very worst, the dreaded cycle lobby.
Bearing in mind I am completely ignorant, I must voice my dislike of cyclists, all of whom seem to have too much of an affection towards Lycra. I cannot believe I am alone in thinking that there is nothing more disturbing than seeing a pensioner, in luminous Lycra, riding along the road. Am I alone in my belief that these people look like complete idiots? Am I alone in thinking I don’t particularly want these people talking to my children?
The only reason I watched the cycling during the Olympics wasn’t to jump on the band wagon of the Team GB winning gold medals, but to hopefully see a rather decent ‘Ski Sunday’ type cycle accident. I am yet to be convinced Team GB’s success can, in any way, shape or form, be connected to these bloody cycle lanes all over the UK.
I think the point was raised last month in connection to local transport plans (LTP’s). Taxis in the majority of plans have virtually no mention at all, yet we regularly are the only form of transport for the old, infirm, disabled, the pregnant, troglodytes from council estates, the unemployable, the Scots and the drunks. Yet cycles have reams, reams and reams of the LTP dedicated to them.
I am quite convinced this is a class thing. Perhaps the idyllic picture of two clean living adults complete with two clean living kids, all with matching white teeth, all wearing matching kagool’s, all with smiling faces riding down some cycleway in glorious sunshine is perhaps an image all of us are aware of.
The reality is that the husband is probably having an affair, the mother is a broken alcoholic suffering from depression, one of the kids is addicted to drugs, the other is probably pregnant and the bikes are probably stolen and its p*ssing down. Never allow reality to come in the way of an urban myth.
The cost of cycle-ways are quite staggering, a council will spend £115K in a blink of an eye when it comes to a cycle-way, yet they are hardly used, sufficed to state similar funding is never seemingly available to the taxi trade, indeed councils tend to scrutinise the fractionate cost of a traffic order.
I’m digressing, once a person is able to pass their driving test, the bicycle clips should be thrown into the bin, adults riding bicycles just isn’t normal, it’s immature and embarrassing.
For a start, cyclists don’t appear to be insured, which is fine, dandy and inexpensive for them, but what if one of them runs into my cab? Do I have to have a scratch repaired at my own expense? And if they b*gger off, how do I explain it to the police? Some tw*t who can’t afford a car ran into my cab? He scratched my wing and b*ggered off?
Cyclists don’t pay road tax, yet they’re provided with cycle lanes which they don’t seem to appreciate and in most cases ignore. Indeed, they go through red lights, ride on pavements (scaring the be-Jesus out of pedestrians) and generally ignore normal traffic laws because they know they won’t be caught by any camera or policeman, and even if the camera does catch them..... The description ‘Tw*t in Lycra’ isn’t really a description, it could be any of them.
I don’t know of a single politician who has yet put forward the potential vote winning policy of saying these people are complete idiots and they should be hit in the face with an axe, moreover, politicians actually seem quite intent on encouraging these b*stards.
It has been said before, there is no funnier sight than seeing a policeman wearing a stupid cycle helmet and riding a push bike, after-all they joined the police force (sorry service) to fit up criminals, lock up drunken Scottish persons and shoot Brazilians, did they join the service to look like a pillock? I think not.
If local politicians are so keen on bicycles, I have an idea, remove all car parks from council buildings and buy every council employee a bike, anyone turning up for work or a meeting in a car should either be sent home or shot through the leg.
You may ask, why am I, a normally reasonable tolerant human being, so much against bikes?
Well, there are numerous reason’s, some of them are even plausible.
Firstly, I have sat in meetings with ‘the cycle lobby’ (why do these people call themselves a lobby, are they a porch?), I must admit they’re very good. They sit quietly, attentively and are very polite, which is just what they want you to think.
It’s a mere bluff, they’re lulling you into a false sense of security, because when the discussion goes their way, its BLAM! You’re hit with highly dubious facts which you and nobody else has the faintest clue about possibly because they’ve just made them up and they make references back to obscure meetings that only themselves and the lesbian pro-water-vole lobby actually paid any attention to.
The cycle lobby prefer the ‘Shock and Bore’ technique. Unfortunately, the committee chair doesn’t want to say anything so contentious as ‘Shut the f*ck up you complete t*sspot’ and we have to listen to these middle class idiots drone on and on, and on.
You sit thinking “what has the number of cycle accidents in Los Angeles got to do with a cycle path in Carlisle?”
The traditional route for the cycle lobby is then to talk for approximately 4 hours about why they are right and why everyone else are wrong and complete b*stards who hate the environment. Obviously building an expensive cycle lane, which costs thousands, using such things as mechanical diggers, tarmac and other natural materials, all to benefit the 8 people who use the cycle lane every year is good for the environment.
I think all of this is too much for councillors, the bus company are looking at their watches, the train company are looking at theirs and about to make their excuse’s, and the taxi associations wonder how can these people afford watches?
I sincerely believe these people don’t speak at home, they either have an overpowering wife or husband who talks constantly, they have the need to vent all of their pent up frustrations in the meeting. Thank Christ for the mobile phone, otherwise I think there would be murders committed. I have actually made my phone ring, pretend to talk to someone and walk out.
Eventually the councillors give up and give the cycle lobby a £30K upgrade to a route they will never use.
When it’s the taxi trades turn we’re either out of time or they haven’t got any money left.
The unfortunate fact is that out of the people at the meeting, the councillors probably have other meetings to attend, the bus people, whilst getting paid, possibly want to do some proper work, the train people, again, whilst getting paid, have trains to run late and passengers to p*ss off, the taxi people aren’t getting paid, but we have ungrateful people to pick up. Whereas the cycle lobby are actually attending these meetings because they have a perverse gratification in them, they enjoy it, they need the audience.
In the grand scheme of things cyclists are a minority group, they can come up with statistics saying 4 in 5 people ride bikes, but 3 of them are 8 year olds.
I wager any of you a bet. Look at your local transport plan and look at the reams dedicated to cyclists, then look for the word taxi, if that doesn’t give a hint at our league standing I don’t know what will.
In my opinion the government need to wake up. I realise there are sick people out there who think going to work in the freezing cold, wet winter on a bicycle will actually save the planet, but as I have written before, fertilizing your garden with your own faeces is in its own way as equally beneficial and I could make a decent argument towards that, but riding a bike after your 15 years old tells people you’re an absolute tw*t.
I have a history of being indulgent to these mentalists, for example, I’ve never once attempted to use a flick knife or Stanley blade on any of the pro-cycle lobby in any meeting, even though I may have imagined throwing the odd ninja death star. This type of inclusion is to my eternal credit. I am prepared to sit in a meeting and listen to them, before deciding they are truly mental.
I can remember one of the pro-cycle lobby saying they attended a cycle meeting in Penrith (which is 20 miles from Carlisle), how did they get to the meeting? By car!
However, in terms of keeping the traffic flowing and getting too and from ranks to assist the public, the bicycle is no use whatsoever, and before giving these morons £30K, the council should remember that.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
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