Taxi Driver Online

It's great being a pet shop owner. I have a notice in my window: Skunk for sale - the police take no notice and I make a fortune shifting two kilos a day.

I tried taking the shell off a snail to see if it would go faster -

- It just made it more sluggish

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard, what with the small concealed toys"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

All this nonsense about taxi drivers not using indicators is totally uncalled for

Why only today I saw one with all four flashing at once while he was parked on a pavement blocking a wheelchair spot while he made a phone call and ate his bait

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two fares, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before i dropped her off

Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted "Stop!" but, if anything, that made things worse

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that
You're retired?' Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical
Engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most
Is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine.

I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

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Justice for the 96. It has only taken 27 years...........repeat the same lies for 27 years and the truth sounds strange to people!

Come back when you can do it the other way around and we could make some serious money.

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Grandad,

You taking the Piss?

No.....Converting the pi55

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Grandad,

Yeah that'll sell well Peer,Pine and Piska I'm sure they'll be queuing for that not

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lack of modern legislation is the iceberg sinking the titanic of the transport sector

I got a call from the office to tell me that two members of staff have accused me of sexism over the radio .

They didn't name names, but I bet it was 'Jenny Crap Tits' and 'Buffalo minge

This smoking ban in cars is a disgrace. Having a pint without a cigarette just isn't the same

The 5p plastic bag charge, bang goes me in the future picking up my dog's turds in the park

Brendan Rodgers has said he was an honorary scouser.

Well, he did steal a living for three years.