Taxi Driver Online

UK cab trade debate and advice
It is currently Thu Mar 28, 2024 1:32 pm

All times are UTC [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 675 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... 45  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2016 11:27 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:04 am
Posts: 2555
edders23 wrote:
I hate to say it mate but I don't think you'll make it as a stand up !

:cry: :wink: :lol:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2016 11:33 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2008 4:06 pm
Posts: 24113
Location: Twixt Heaven and Hell, but nearest Hell
The local police station had its toilet stolen overnight

C.I.D. say they have nothing to go on

_________________
Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2016 1:29 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Thu May 03, 2007 8:15 pm
Posts: 9163
edders23 wrote:
I hate to say it mate but I don't think you'll make it as a stand up !


Don't think he could even make it lying down........ #-o


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2016 2:58 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:04 am
Posts: 2555
bloodnock wrote:
edders23 wrote:
I hate to say it mate but I don't think you'll make it as a stand up !


Don't think he could even make it lying down........ #-o

:shock: :lol:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2016 6:20 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Apr 01, 2006 11:47 pm
Posts: 19110
Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
There was a break in at Villa park last night with the entire contents of the trophy room emptied. police are looking for a man with a claret coloured carpet

_________________
Taxis Are Public Transport too

Join the campaign to get April fools jokes banned for 364 days a year !


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2016 7:07 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:04 am
Posts: 2555
edders23 wrote:
There was a break in at Villa park last night with the entire contents of the trophy room emptied. police are looking for a man with a claret coloured carpet

fooking hell, & you have the nerve to critisese me !! :roll: :? :wink:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 5:45 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:04 am
Posts: 2555
Liverpool fans walked out during the 77th minute of today's game, in protest at the new £77 ticket price for next season. Thankfully, the board have promised to act swiftly to prevent such scenes from recurring.

A revised ticket price of £90 will be announced on Monday


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 5:47 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:04 am
Posts: 2555
I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed... "Does anyone know CPR?" I shouted "whey aye , I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one bloke, miserable fooker .


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2016 11:47 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2014 2:22 am
Posts: 27
Women's store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Glasgow, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 8:25 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Apr 01, 2006 11:47 pm
Posts: 19110
Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

_________________
Taxis Are Public Transport too

Join the campaign to get April fools jokes banned for 364 days a year !


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 8:33 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Apr 01, 2006 11:47 pm
Posts: 19110
Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
Had an Irish mixed grill for lunch.
New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, potato waffles and hash browns with chips.

felt a bit stiff after that lot :roll:

_________________
Taxis Are Public Transport too

Join the campaign to get April fools jokes banned for 364 days a year !


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2016 7:29 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Apr 01, 2006 11:47 pm
Posts: 19110
Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of '66 would have fared against Iceland.

"I think we'd have won 1-0 " he replied.

"Only 1-0?" Said the reporter.



"Yes," said Bobby. "Most of us are in our 70's now!"

_________________
Taxis Are Public Transport too

Join the campaign to get April fools jokes banned for 364 days a year !


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 7:32 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:04 am
Posts: 2555
some punter asked me the other day if i knew any jokes about the passage through which smoke and gases escape from a fire or furnace on a ship??.
funnely enough .......... no :D


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2016 6:26 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Apr 01, 2006 11:47 pm
Posts: 19110
Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
ven2112 wrote:
some punter asked me the other day if i knew any jokes about the passage through which smoke and gases escape from a fire or furnace on a ship??.
funnely enough .......... no :D




groan......................................................... #-o as bad as

How can you tell if the geordie dockers have put the wrong fuel in a ship.... cause there's fog on the Tyne !!

_________________
Taxis Are Public Transport too

Join the campaign to get April fools jokes banned for 364 days a year !


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2016 4:18 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:04 am
Posts: 2555
A boy who lives with his grandmother can't find his missing drugs so he goes to her and asks, "Grandma, have you seen my pills labeled LSD?"

She replies, fook ya pills , have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 675 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... 45  Next

All times are UTC [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 14 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group