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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 8:20 pm 
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I've only been in jail 5 minutes and been bummed 3 times :shock:
My uncle doesn't fook about playing monolpoly :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 8:24 pm 
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Got a lift in to work from a Pakistani colleague today, and had to listen to 'Bhangra FM' for the whole journey.
I didn't want to appear racially insensitive and offend his culture by reaching over and changing the radio station.
Plus, I didn't want to accidentally detonate the car :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 8:28 pm 
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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those fooking carbon monoxide detectors :wink:


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 8:47 pm 
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ven2112 wrote:
ISIS Awards Night:

And the 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to ...... Mohammed.

Unfortunately, Mohammed can't be with us tonight..... :lol: :lol:



that one is extreme right field :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 8:55 pm 
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ven2112 wrote:
I bumped into my ex lass in town earlier, I said:

"How's your new bloke?"
"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"
I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are, when we are in bed together it isn't like sleeping on a steep hill."

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 25, 2016 5:11 pm 
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edders23 wrote:
ven2112 wrote:
I bumped into my ex lass in town earlier, I said:

"How's your new bloke?"
"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"
I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are, when we are in bed together it isn't like sleeping on a steep hill."

:lol: :lol: =D>


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 26, 2016 4:35 pm 
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A 58-year-old in confession: "Last night I had unrestrained sex with an 18-year-old."
The priest: "Take seven big lemons, squeeze their juice into a glass and drink it until the glass is empty!"
"And that is washing me of my sins, my priest?"
"No, but it'll wipe that stupid grin from your face."

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 29, 2016 4:04 pm 
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The condom was invented almost simultaneously by the Moroccans and the Turks over 2000 years ago. They just used a goat.
It was only much later, about 1850, that the British refined this technology. Before use, they removed the intestine from the goat.

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 29, 2016 7:32 pm 
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The party invitation said " dress to kill."

Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind .


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2016 9:12 am 
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too long for ven but the rest of you might enjoy it :lol:


A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p****d off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
Otep

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 7:38 pm 
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edders23 wrote:
too long for ven but the rest of you might enjoy it :lol:


A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p****d off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
Otep


i liked it mate & read it :lol: :lol: =D>


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 11:19 pm 
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A man drove his Trabant to the workshop, went to the mechanic and says: "Hello, I would like to have 2 new windshield wipers for my car."
The mechanic looks at the Trabbi from the front and from behind and finally says, "OK, that's a fair exchange."

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 11:33 pm 
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Two Glesga (Glasgow) housewives are chatting over the fence. "My Sister in law has one of them new washing machines, but it's faulty. She loaded it with dirty washing, closed the lid and pulled the chain. She hasn't seen the washing since......"

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 10:04 am 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
Two swanky London types decide to open a new boutique in Wigan.
They get all the shelves in, the counters fitted, the till, telephone and so on. Opening day looms and they take down all the paper that had been obscuring the shop front windows.
There is a little old Wiganner looking in so they decide to have a little fun by showing off.
They let him in and show off all the fittings.
Not impressed, he says "And, what's thee selling ere then?"
Winking at his colleague, one of the suits says "asreholes"!
The old feller retorts "Tha's doing rayt well then, tha's only gert two left!"

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 3:33 pm 
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In heaven the Italians are responsible for the kitchen, the Germans for technology and the English for the sense of humor.
In hell the Italians are responsible for technology, the English for the kitchen and the Germans for humor.

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