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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2019 3:59 pm 
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https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=ht ... mrc&uact=8

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2019 11:39 am 
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San MARINO'S MANAGER WAS VERY DISAPPOINTED LAST NIGHT AFTER LOSING 2-0 TO THE WORLDS WORST TEAM

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2019 12:32 pm 
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Paddy takes a bag into the bank hands it over to the girl and says he’d like to make a deposit. The girl opens the bag and it’s full of cannabis. She tells paddy he can’t deposit it, he says “I can, it’s going in the joint account “


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 3:09 pm 
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Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic ?
A. You know how many men went down on the titanic.

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 3:09 pm 
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At todays meeting between Corbyn and Theresa May on hearing the news that two more cabinet members had resigned he helpfully suggested she call IKEA

Such a helpful man :-pmsl

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2019 9:40 pm 
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Location: A City near Birmingham
A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU.

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2019 6:28 pm 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
A bloke in a hot air balloon gets lost in low cloud and decides the only way to verify his position is to decend towards the ground. He pokes through the cloud above a field and continues to decend to ask for directions.
He finds a bloke sitting by a truck in a layby and shouts to him.

"I'M A BIT LOST, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I AM?" He asks.

"SURE MATE, YOURE ABOUT 30FT ABOVE A FIELD BETWEEN THE B7144 TO THE SOUTH AND THE A45 NORTH OF HERE." The bloke replies.

"YOU MUST BE A LORRY DRIVER!" The pilot says.

"HOW DID YOU WORK THAT OUT?" The bloke replies.

"BECAUSE ALTHOUGH YOUR INFORMATION IS TECHNICALLY ACCURATE, ITS OF NO USE TO ME AND I'M STILL AS LOST AS I WAS AND OUR CONVERSATION HAS MADE DELAYED ME!" Replies the pilot.

"YOU MUST BE A TRAFFIC MANAGER!" The bloke replies.

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?" Replies the pilot.

"BECAUSE, YOU DONT KNOW WHERE TOU ARE OR WHERE YOU ARE GOING. YOU HAVE RISEN TO WHERE YOU ARE DUE TO AN AWFUL LOT OF HOT AIR. YOU EXPECT THE PEOPLE BELOW YOU TO SORT OUT ALL THE PROBLEMS YOU CREATE AND YOU ARE STILL IN THE SAME POSITION AS BEFORE BUT NOW SOMEHOW ITS MY FAULT!" replies to truck driver.

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2019 10:41 am 
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Location: A City near Birmingham
Chap wins a balloon flight in a competition and books a date to fly...

He has no car so walks 3 hrs to the take off site where fog has come down but insists the flight goes ahead after his walk


once up nothing can be see, he asks the pilot where they are and the pilot says "hang on..."


he leans out the basket and scoops up air and sniffs it....


"Grimsby, i can smell fish"


3 hours later same thing, he leans out the basket

"Liverpool" - after scooping air up after dangling his arm out..


The flight winner asks how he knew it was Liverpool?

The pilot replies........."some barsteward has nicked my watch"

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 10:22 pm 
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Quasimodo's ashes have been re-scattered. Just a hunch.


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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2019 7:57 pm 
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your john thomas was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got £20,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £2,000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.

“She has,” says the man.

“And what is it?” asks the doctor.

“We're getting a new kitchen.”

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 10:48 am 
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Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
A guy goes into his local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra
bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here
until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking
coffee and scratching our balls. No point in your coming in for that.

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 10:51 am 
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All together now 3 irons on their shirt

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come on England

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 6:24 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 6:24 pm 
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Location: A City near Birmingham
edders23 wrote:
All together now 3 irons on their shirt

Image

come on England


Cum on England?

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 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 6:36 pm 
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If you love food but were a child of the 60’s you should remember most of this;
* Pasta had not been invented.
* "Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.
* Curry was an unknown entity. Indian restaurants were only found in India.
* The only vegetables were spuds, peas, carrots, turnip, cauliflower and cabbage. Mange tout and Pak choi were made up words. Chilli was in South America and scotch bonnets were worn by old ladies in Aberdeen.
* A take-away was a mathematical problem.
* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
* Oil was for lubricating your bike chain not for cooking.
* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet.*Spice went in Christmas cakes (and so did peel, Yuk).
* Herbs were used to make medicine I think.
* All crisps were plain.
* All soft drinks were called pop.
* Coke was something that we put on the fire, we never drunk it and we certainly didn’t sniff it.
* Ginger beer burnt your lips off, when you stopped drinking.
* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
* A microwave was science fiction
* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves. The tea-cosy was the forerunner of all energy saving devices. Tea had only one flavour, it was tea flavoured
* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.
* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
* Mayonnaise was called Salad cream
* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
* Dinner consisted of what we were given, and not negotiable.
* Only Heinz made baked beans.
* Leftovers went in the dog.
* Sauce was either brown or red.
* Eating raw fish was called madness, not sushi.
* The only ready meals came from the fish and chip shop.
* Frozen food was called ice cream.
* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
* Brunch was not a meal.
* Cheese only ever came in a hard lump.
* If we had eaten bacon, lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified insane.
* Eating outside was called a picnic not Al Fresco.
* Seaweed was not a recognised food.
* Eggs were not called ‘free range’ they just were, and the shells were white.
* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday - it was compulsory.
* The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond our realms of comprehension.
* The term "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all.
* We bought milk and cream at the same time, in the same bottle, before you gave it a shake.
* Prunes were purely medicinal.
* Pineapples only came in chunks in a tin.
* We didn't eat Croissants because we couldn't pronounce them, we couldn't spell them, and we didn't know what they were.
* for Baguettes (see Croissants).
* Garlic was used to ward off vampires in films, but never to be eaten.
* Water came out of the tap; if someone had suggested bottling it and charging for it they would have been locked up.

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