Taxi Driver Online

A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the
middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his meal,
three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded,
leather-jacketed, filthy.

For no reason at all, the selected the truck driver as a target.
One poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie, the
third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The truck driver never
said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left.

"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one of
the bikers.

The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added,
"He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either. He just
ran his truck right over three motorcycles."

I rang the wife one day, from a layby somewhere, whilst eating my sarnies...


"hello love, how are you"

"im fine, datling"


"love, these sandwiches you made, whats on them?"


"crab paste"

"where did you get it from"







"the chemist"

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Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

I think i will check my sandwiches to day

There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette sawm 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!

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Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’

‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy.

‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’

At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

if i ever have a racehorse im gonna call it "Mee-face" and hope to hear 1000s of women urging it to win one day............

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Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

Why are men like spray paint?
One squeeze and they're all over you

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because men fake foreplay

Why do most women spend more time on their appearance than on improving their minds?
Because there are more stupid men than there are blind ones

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A man will actually search for a golf ball

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 2 hours

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
How much Is that Barbie in the window? he asks the shop assistant.
Which Barbie?..
We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95,
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for £265.00.
Ermmm The guy asks,
why is Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?
Duuurrrrh, the assistant states, pulling a strange face
Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

Two Scots, a father and his son, go to America.
- Daddy, when we’ll arrive?
- Shut up and swim.

- Why do Scots watch porn films from the end to the beginning?
- Because they like a happy ending, when the prostitute gives the money back to the client.

A Scot came back from work earlier than usual and saw a plumber's car in the front of his house.
- Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.


While a Scot is weeing, a pound falls into the toilet. Desperately, he looks at the pound and asks himself whether a pound is worth getting his hands dirty. After thinking for a while, he takes 10 pounds out of his pocket and throws them into the toilet.
-Well, it's worth getting your hands dirty for eleven pounds!

a scot walking home a little "wobbly" with a bottle of whisky in each pocket falls over, feeling wet all down his side and leg he says "i hope thats blood..."

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Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar, grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair.
And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beautiful music they've ever heard. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so wonderful."

And the man said: "I own and gini-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!"

"Me?", the bar keeper asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." OK, no sooner said than done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the meant lamp. He rubs at the side of the lamp and the Ginni appears: "Ok, buddy. You have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one million dollars!" The Ginni snaps one's fingers and disappears, and all over the bottom are dogs. Small, yellow cackling dugs. And the bar keeper said to the man: "But I wanna have dollars, not dugs." And the man: "Do you really think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?"

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.

'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

I have just choked on my coffee

one for Toots




What do you call the useless bit of skin on the end of a willy?




























a bloke





why did god invent men?

cos dildos cant mow lawns




me are like toilets, vacant, engaged or full of crap

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Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most