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grumpy
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PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 10:19 am 
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Location: grangemouth
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you siht on its head.

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.
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Stationtone
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PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 10:27 am 
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:lol: :lol: :lol:
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wannabeeahack
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PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 11:03 am 
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Location: Twixt Heaven and Hell, but nearest Hell
grumpy wrote:
and you said my jokes were bad :lol: anyways,..........................


CSA Forms

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.



12. Some sailors?

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Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most
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grumpy
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PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 1:48 pm 
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Location: grangemouth
Airport Security Incident

Customs Official : 'May I know your name?'
Passenger : 'Batman'
Customs Official : 'What's your name?'
Passenger : 'My name is Bat-man'
Customs Official : 'Trying to be funny? What's your surname?'
Passenger : 'Super-man'
Customs Official : 'So you're telling me your name is Batman Superman?'
Passenger : 'Yes'
Customs Official : 'Arrest this guy...'
When they had him in custody, he was asked to show his identification card:







Image

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.
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wannabeeahack
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PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 2:58 pm 
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Location: Twixt Heaven and Hell, but nearest Hell
fact stranger than fiction...you couldnt make it up

not so very long ago, well, a few years really, 1 story in the news was the copper who stopped a speeder, tapped on the window and said "good day sir, who are we, nigel mansell then?"


sitting in the driver seat was one Nigel Mansell F1 world champion





and a copper once arrested a lad when the name given by the lad wasnt the same as was on his tee-shirt

then again, he was unlikely to be Fred Perry was he

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Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most
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Stationtone
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PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 1:17 am 
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Location: SCOTLAND
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
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Over & Out
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PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 11:34 am 
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Location: Dundee cabbie for many a year
Caution... They walk among us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk among us!***


*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'

***They walk among us!!***

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They walk among us!!!!***

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had a 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kilogram.

***They walk among us! ***

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot...

***They walk among us!!!!!***

My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

***They walk among us!!!!!!***

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They walk among us!!!!!!! ***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

***They walk among us!!!!!!!!***

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, they walk among us !!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!

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Stationtone
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PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 11:50 am 
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Whats the difference between fish farming and land farming :?: :?:







In fish farming your tractor gets a bit rusty :? :?
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MR T
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PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2009 1:04 am 
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THIS IS INCREDIBLE... Read all the Numbers...
Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30



















Scroll down



























TOMORROW I WILL SEND YOU
THE ABC's
It is so easy to amuse simple folk!


And to think that YOU actually read the numbers twice to be sure there were not any missing!!!
So it would not tell me how dumb YOU was!!!!

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Justice for the 96. It has only taken 27 years...........repeat the same lies for 27 years and the truth sounds strange to people!
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MR T
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PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2009 1:09 am 
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Oh come on read this and think what we think of lawyers!!!!?????



The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.



'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.



'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.



'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.



Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still £5000.



Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.



The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.



After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.



The man replied, ' Ontario '.



'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'



'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance.'



The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.



1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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Justice for the 96. It has only taken 27 years...........repeat the same lies for 27 years and the truth sounds strange to people!
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Stationtone
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PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2009 12:10 pm 
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GAY REF
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8YR-T3u ... re=related
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Stationtone
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PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2009 12:15 pm 
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FUNNY PICs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_-a3IQt0cU&NR=1
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Stationtone
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PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2009 11:13 am 
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Location: SCOTLAND
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." :oops: :oops:
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Stationtone
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PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2009 5:03 pm 
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The teacher gave her 2nd Year Class an assignment: Get > their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end> of it.> The next day the kids came back and one by one began to> tell > their stories.> > 'Grant , do you have a story to share?'> > 'Yes Mrs Brown . My Dad told a story about my Auntie> Karen. She was > a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.> She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had> was > a flask of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife.> > She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't> break, > and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty> enemy troops.> > She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of > bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade> broke, and then she > killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'> > 'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher.> 'What kind of moral > did your Dad tell you from this horrible story?'> > 'Stay the f--k away from Auntie Karen when she's> drinking.'
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Stationtone
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PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2009 5:15 pm 
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BIG SCARY COBRA

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fusea ... D=54077193
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