Taxi Driver Online

This is magic

A nearly real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHbNPlDAUwE

This looks like a version taken from the Edinburgh ones

It has been determined, the most used
sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

CHINESE PROVERBS >+
> Man who run in front of car get tired. >
Man who run behind car get exhausted. >
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry. >
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. >
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. >
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth. >
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. >
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. >
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. >
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. >
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. >
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. >
Man who fart in church sit in own pew. >
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who craps on weighing machine, does business on big scale
Man camoing with chicken has fowl in tent

I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish.
The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the
room that we booked."

Don't drink and drive.... Don't even putt!

My doctor said that the next time I have a dinner for 4 I should invite 3 other people to join me.

A Scotsman Is
Drinking In a Inverness Bar ...

He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear
to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he
announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy
weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
but the Scotsman just shrugs, "That's about average up North. Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations
of "WOW!" and "Holy [edited by admin]!!" were heard.

One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Scotsman returns to the bar.

The barman says "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The barman is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?
He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Scottish father takes a slow swig from his Glen Fiddick and wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

people tell me i have a lovely bottom.......it's not perfect though..... i have a crack in it !

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

London Lawyer Vs Glasgow Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says,'Now dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon, ya smarmy git?'...

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.


They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.


So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.


A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '


'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'


A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'


'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .


The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said:

'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....
and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!

Are things this bad that the jokes have to be recycled. Both of the above are on this site already.

_________________
Grandad,

No i had not heard it for a long time

A top comedian is doing a prison concert in HMP Scrubs

the warmup comedian (one of the convicts) goes on...


"15" he says

roars of laughter

"76"

more laughter

"45"

the crowd are in bits, rolling about


he comes of

the star comedian says "whats all that about then?"

the con/comedian says "well, we are long term prisoners, and lifers, etc, and weve heard all the jokes many many times, so to save time, we have numbered all the jokes we know"

the con says "go on, you try it...."

the star walks on the stage

"22"

nothing

"61"

stoney silence

"98"

nothing

he walks off

he says to the con/comedian, "were they not funny jokes i chose?"

the con replies...."the jokes were great ones, but its the way you tell em...."

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Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have
to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The
cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.. We
didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
the bird.. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver
that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my
mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long,'I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was
hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to
come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I
had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it
worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back
yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.