Taxi Driver Online

WANTED!

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Now just read lines 1, 3 and 5 ONLY

_________________
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Brummie Cabbie.

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The Surrogate Father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub; living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... Equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in my hand for too long."

With that, Mrs Smith fainted...

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Brummie Cabbie.

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SPELLING IS NOT IMPORTANT

Aoccdrnig to rsheerach at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig!

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Brummie Cabbie.

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The Rude Parrot

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot." So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me; a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un-f**king-believable; a new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes", complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In-f**king-credible; a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old f**king clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

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Brummie Cabbie.

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Mating Calls of Birds

Cuckoo’s mating call; Cuckoo!!! cuckoo!!!

Owl’s mating call; Tweat-twoo!!! Tweat-twoo!!!

Blackbird’s mating call; Come-on! Stick-it-up me arse, Leroy!!!

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Brummie Cabbie.

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Ever Done Anything Wild?

An old man was sitting on a bench at the shopping mall, when a teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet.

The old man stared at the teenager & whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring at him. Finally, the teenager said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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Brummie Cabbie.

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Directions From Edinburgh Airport

1. Start at Edinburgh Airport

2. Catch flight from Edinburgh to London Heathrow Airport

3. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport

4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport

5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" - follow for 0.2 miles

6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles

7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles

8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles

9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

10. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

11. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles

12. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

13. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

14. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles

15. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

16. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles

17. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles

18. Arrive at destination

NOW THAT’S THE WAY TO F**KING AMARILLO!!! SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW!!

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Brummie Cabbie.

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Bedroom Golf

The Rules:

Each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally one club and two balls.

Playing on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

The object of the game is take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing.

Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner’s request.

It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

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Brummie Cabbie.

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Arthur Dies

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said to Arthur, “Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”

So, St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?”

Arthur said, “Yeah, that's me.”

God commented, “Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise, creates pollution, and can't run without a road?”

Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?”

God said, “Ah, yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion, it chatters constantly at a very high speeds, most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much, the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and the maintenance costs are outrageous!”

“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there.” replied God. “Hold on.”

God went over to his celestial ‘Kingdom Come’ super computer, went onto Google, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God brought it over to Arthur and read it out.

“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

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Brummie Cabbie.

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What Time Is It Eccles?

Absolutely Brilliant!!!

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Brummie Cabbie.

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Brilliant!

A taxi driver and a priest die and knock on heaven's door.

St Peter shows the taxi driver his new home, a lavish castle fully equipped with butlers and servants.

When the priests turn comes, he is shown a meager hut with no electricity or water. The priest complains to St Peter: "How is it the taxi driver gets a castle and I only got this small hut? I 've been working for Jesus all my life, not him.".

St Peter replied, "Yes you were working for Jesus, but during your Sunday sermons everybody slept in the pews. When the taxi driver was driving his passengers, they prayed."

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Brummie Cabbie.

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A taxi driver calls to a house and is sitting outside waiting. When no one comes, he decides to knock on the door.

The door is opened by a twelve year old boy with a big cuban cigar in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other, He also notices a half naked blonde down the hall.

"Excuse me son" said the driver, "is your mum or dad at home?"

"WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK", said the lad.

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Brummie Cabbie.

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Man United sign Gazza


Ferguson admires his strong team In another shock transfer move, Alex Ferguson has bought Paul Gascoigne for 20p.

The former England international hasn't even seen a football in years, let alone kick one, but Ferguson is convinced that Gazza still has some of that old magic still left in him.

"I see in Gazza what I saw in Michael Owen. Nobody else does, but I'm the gaffer and what I say goes", said Ferguson who is showing increasing signs of Alzheimer's and dementia. Either that or he's been very, very drunk lately.

Gazza will become the midfield maestro in an all-changed united line-up that includes other 'new' signings such as Kevin Keegan, John Barnes, and legendary heavyweight England early 20th Century 'keeper 'Fatty' Fowlkes in goal.

"I've pieced together a super-team just like Real Madrid's but for less than 5 quid", boasted Ferguson to astonished journalists.

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s6i55806

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Newcastle .

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths from the Scotswood and Benwell areas of Newcastle were
able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper
equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds
with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold
move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international
recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had
the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first
practice session, the Scotswood and Benwell pit crew successfully changed
the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8
bottles of Carlsberg Special, 50 ecstasy tablets and some photos of
Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

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Justice for the 96. It has only taken 27 years...........repeat the same lies for 27 years and the truth sounds strange to people!