Taxi Driver Online

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Are you licensed or certified?

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

Ron and Jerry, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to Feed the pigeons, Watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Ron didn't show up. Jerry wasn't concerned; He thought Ron might have a cold or some urgent appointment.

But after Ron hadn't shown up For a week or so, Jerry got really worried.

After a month had passed, Jerry figured he had seen the last of Ron.
On his next visit to the park, however, Ron was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him.
Amazed and delighted, Jerry exclaimed, ''For crying out loud Ron, what in the world happened to you?''

Ron replied, ''I've been in jail.''

''Jail?'' cried Jerry. ''You?! What on earth for?''

''Well,'' Ron said, ''you know Sue ,
That cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?''

''Yes,'' said Jerry, ''I remember her. What about her?''

''Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ''guilty.''

''The judge gave me 30 days for perjury!''

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

I remember that one!!

The music was the adagio from Dvorak's New World Symphony. This was also used for a stage musical called Summer Song with lyrics by Eric Maschwitz. The adagio was called Cotton Tail and had some lovely lyrics about a rabbit if I remember correctly.

Just some interesting trivia for you all!! I'll stop rattling now.

The music was also used in the chart hit "Capstick comes home" by Tony Capstick. Now that was a funny song with the immortal line "you spawny eyed parrot faced wazock." Incidently one of my mates plays the trombone on the song and they appeared on top of the pops.
Here is a link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32eSB0ZRPxQ

_________________
Grandad,

I knew it was from The New World when I heard / saw it the first time, because I like classical.

But I never knew Ada Gio was involved.

Who was she??

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

I'm thinking that if Carlsberg did jobs mine wouldn't be one of them!!

_________________
Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2009

The last one is a worthy winner.





6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on
a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant
asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.



5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her
hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'




4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant,
'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not,
they're dead.'


3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and
approached the boy racer he stopped
for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,'
the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here
as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped
laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.



2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on
a country road.
A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was
directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and
walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'




SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded
her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate
any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room
raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in
tomorrow suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to
laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher
smiled knowingly at the student, shook
her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write
with your other hand

_________________
Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £50 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £55.

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

The girl could have also reported him for the smoking offense and they would have both been out of pocket.

_________________
Grandad,

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to the Personnel Department and states she wants to lay a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'

'It's Keith, the dwarf!'

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, ' I vish to buy sex vit you'

'OK' says the girl, 'I'll charge 100 Euros an hour'

'Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky'

'No problem' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz und kneez.' The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees..

'Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez.' She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

'You vill please blow zis duck caller as I make love to you.' She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps 'That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?'

'Ah', says the German,






























'Four-sprung duck technique'

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

QUESTIONS OR PUZZLES!?


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is 'bra' singular, but 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.