Taxi Driver Online

The Taxman Replies
Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and [edited by admin] gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point! Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing Lady of the Night" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,


H J Lee
Customer Relations

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

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Normal Mentality
A Teaspoon, A Teacup, Or A Bucket

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

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"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

Sean Connery and Cilla Black On The Parkinson Show

Sean Connery was being interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest on the show, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand."

Cilla was a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to hold......

Cilla interrupts and says, "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."

So, Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks, "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in the other; does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla. But the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet.

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

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Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

Who’s The Daddy?

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, it takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

Breast Bite

A guy walking down the street and sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?” she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again.

“Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”

She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.”

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse and bra to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”

“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much!!!”

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

Confusing Portrait

A young couple attending an art exhibition at The National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the black men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that the confused couple were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assistance.

He went on and on for nearly half an hour, explaining how the painting depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out; some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and social oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society.

After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what that painting is really about?”

The couple asked, “How would you claim to know more about that painting than the curator of the gallery?”

The Scotsman replied, “Because, I’m the guy who painted it! In fact, there is no African-American representation in that painting at all. They’re just three Scottish coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

Diaries

Girl's diary

Saturday 6th March 2004

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love.

He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

Bloke's diary

Saturday 6th March 2004.

England lost to Ireland. Gutted. Got a shag though.

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of who could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news.


The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation.


After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, "And what are the four conditions?"


The room stilled. There was a long pause....

The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex."


"And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked,

"And the fourth condition?"


The Pope replied, "Big tits"

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

Man was feeling down, phoned the mental health helpline and told them he was suicidal, turns out it's an Afghan call centre. The cheeky git asked if he could drive a taxi!!!

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

Its amazin the amount of family weddings where the disco hasnt got this track

ffs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFYxCIr-Byo&feature=related

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

I worked with a guy in the early nineties who swore that was his favourite tune of all time.

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

new addiction in the making.............

http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf

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My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

pmsl

CC

_________________
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he Roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....






'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*CK*NG PORRIDGE YET!!!

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.