Taxi Driver Online

For All Who Work With Rude Customers


An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and It HAS to be FIRST CLASS'...

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,
'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, The man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too'..

Now that is good.

_________________
Grandad,

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Dept.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.

Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat - next to Michael.

'Who does that seat belong to?' asked the person in the next seat.
'My wife usually sits there.' Michael replied

'But why isn't she here?' the neighbour persisted
'She died.' Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.

'So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your mates?'
'They've all gone to the funeral.' Said Michael.

While out cruising, the Taxi Driver misjudged a curve and drove his cab into the wall dividing the houses of a Mr. and Mrs. Smith and a Mr. and Mrs. Ball.
Thankfully, he was pulled out by the Smiths.

One dismal rainy night in London, a Taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley . Even before he rolled to a stop, a figure leaped into the cab slamming the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Kings Cross," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what are you
looking at?"
"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your
fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled
at the driver, and said, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Have you got anything
smaller?"

A taxi driver calls to a house and is sitting outside waiting.
When no one comes, he decides to knock on the door
The door is opened by a twelve year old boy with a big cuban cigar in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other, He also notices a half naked blond down the hall "excuse me son" said the driver, "is your mum or dad at home ".

"WHAT THE FxCK DO YOU THINK", Said the Lad

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Cath. Aunty Cath was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f&#k away from Aunty Cath when she's been drinking.'

Sitting in a compartment on a train were the tooth fairy, an expensive accountant and a cheap accountant. On a table between
them was placed a briefcase full of money.

Suddenly the train entered a tunnel and everything went dark. When the train exited the tunnel and the light returned, the
briefcase was gone. Who took the briefcase?...

Well, it's obvious really. It had to be the expensive accountant as there's no such thing as the tooth fairy or a cheap
accountant!



The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.

"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."

The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"

"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."

"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."



A lost balloonist lands in a random field and asks a man out walking his dog "Where am I?"

The man replies "you are three feet in front of me in the middle of a field"

"You must be an accountant!" retorts the balloonist

"How did you know that?" the man asks incredulously

"Easy. What you just told me is 100% accurate but absolutely useless!"


Q: Who was the world's first accountant?
A: Adam. He turned a leaf and made an entry!


Q: What is the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?
A: A tragedy is a shipful of accountants going down in a storm.... A catastrophe is when they can all swim!


Q: What do you call 500 accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.


Q: How do you save a drowning accountant?
A: Take your foot off their head.

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him back to life, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, …I thought you said Turn Around.."

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming
From the bedroom.



She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.



'What's up?' she asks.


'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..



The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
Dialling, her four-year-old son comes up



And says, "Mummy mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
Wardrobe & she has no clothes on"


The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..



Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister
, totally naked and cowering on the floor.



'You rotten Bitch', she screams.



'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
Naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.



Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.



She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...



A vibrator!



Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent [edited by admin],' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:


'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'

At least he gave it a kiss and a cuddle after he had finished