Taxi Driver Online

The Council Worker.

A guy goes to the local council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" He answers
"Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the services?"

"Yes" he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward
Employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off!"

The interviewer tells the guy "O.K. In that case I can hire you right
now. Normal hours are 8AM to 2PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00
and plan on starting at 10AM every day."

The guy's puzzled and asks "If the hours are from 8AM to 2PM why don't
you want me to be here before 10AM?"

'This is a council job" the interviewer says, "For the first two hours
we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. Not
really any point in you coming in for that bit, is there?"

. if all major retailers started making and marketing their own condoms and keeping their same slogans ...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better.

Tesco Condoms - every little helps.

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Duracell condoms - keep going and going.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

[edited by admin] condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain

Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.

On-digital condoms - plug and play!!!!

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!(ouch! sorry!)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world.

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (very poor seller!!!)

For those that remember esso condoms - put a tiger in yer tank

Opal Fruit Condoms.....Made to make your mouth water!

Bounty condoms...A taste of paradise!?

The Pentonville....in for a long stretch

The Yorkshireman....tight as they come!

The B&Q...ideal for do it yourself.

The Harpic...for getting around the bend

The Credit Card Condom: "Your flexible friend" or "Don't leave home without it"

The Yellow Pages Condom: Let your fingers do the wa*king

The Cillit Bang Condom: Bang! And the conception is gone!

Wife: 'You've been reading our marriage certificate for more than an hour.'
Husband: 'I'm looking for the expiry date.'
======================================
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
_____________
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
__________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well we aren't married yet.'
----------------------! --------
Young Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mum: 'Well, you did the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
----------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her and replied: ' I like your sense of humor!'
_________________________________________________

A man was sitting reading the paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' he asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan,

knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new
procedure called The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top
of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and
produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman
wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and
vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But
now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags,
those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The man says aloud "Bloody hell!. I wonder what happened to this parrot?

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"Bloody Hell", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"

"Actually, I speak French, Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy, camping and caravanning. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20.
Just make the guy an offer!"

The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he tells jokes, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything.
The bloke is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes
"Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he began to kiss and to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down....

"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"F*** knows" say's the parrot, I got sexually excited, lost my grip, and fell off my perch."

http://www.pittsburghgrapevine.com/vide ... -football/

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

A man goes to bed & reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand slowly across her shoulders then down her side just glancing her breasts, then carries on down her side & legs. He slides her legs apart & slowly runs his hand up and down the inner side of her thighs. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife gasps. "Why have you stopped? "He replies, "I've found the remote. Go back to sleep."

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth............ Ruined the whole [edited by admin] thing!!!!!!

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from
the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he
rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and
slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled
to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the
hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was
just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat,
smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?
"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything
smaller?"

_________________
Justice for the 96. It has only taken 27 years...........repeat the same lies for 27 years and the truth sounds strange to people!

And he survived?!?!?


I'm just sayin . . . .



A married couple is having a baby at the hospital. The wife is in alot of pain, but they don't want to use drugs. The doctor tells them of a new experimental device, that will transmit some of the pain from the mother to the father. . . .There all for it ... The Dr. starts at a cautious ten percent on the transfer meter. The wife is somewhat better, the husband says he's fine, give me a full half of the pain. The Dr. advises against it, but when the husband insists, increases it to fifty percent. Now there is obvious relief in the wife, and the husband still has no problem with the pain. "Increase it to 100 percent" the husband insists. "But that amount could kill a male" cries the doctor. "Men aren't built in a manner to endure child birth". "100 percent", insists the husband . . .
When the birth was over, there was good news and bad news . . .
the good news was the husband and wife had a healthy baby boy . . .
The Bad news was, their postman was dead on their doorstep .. .


I'm just sayin

_________________
"Overpaid, oversexed, and over here!"

(Bloody Hell! . . . did'nt anyone close the door behind them Yanks!! . . .bloody hell)

"Watson . . . WATSON! . . . come quickly!!! . . .and bring your REVOLVER!!!

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!


'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'


Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f”” kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

An Australian blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
"I'm sorry," St Peter said, "but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an entrance exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."

"That's cool,” said the blonde, "What does the entrance exam consist of?"
"Just three questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?' asked the blonde.

"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' "?
The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"
The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?"
St Peter went on, "How many seconds are there in a year?"
The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"
"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"
"Easy," said the blonde, "There's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in the Australian song, Waltzing Matilda?"
The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"
"It's Andy."
"Andy??"
"Yes, Andy," said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde asked, "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled."

And the blonde entered the gates of Heaven..............

FROZEN CRABS



A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to lecture her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was extremely annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York she used the intercom to announce to all passengers, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as many folk think they are.