Taxi Driver Online

THE SHOPPING TRIP

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be the best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition..

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you will now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead……….. Show me what you bought.'

SIMPLE MATH

This equation should be taught in all Math classes!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meeting where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?


Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions.

If:
A- B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z

Is represented as:
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-23-24-25-26.

It’s obvious that
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

While
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

Finally, and most effectively
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+17 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while HARDWORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and ATTITUDE will get you there, it’s the BULLSHIT and ASS KISSING that will put you over the top!!

On his birthday, Jim’s wife decided to treat him and take him to a lap dancing club.

Doorman says “alright Jim how’s tricks?”
Wife asks “how does he know you?”
Jim replies “…er, I play footie with him.”

Inside the barman says “the usual Jim?”
Jim turns to his wife and says “now before you say anything, he’s in the darts team in the local.”

Next, a lapdancer comes over and says “Hi Jim do you want the “special” again?”
The wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps in a Taxi.

Driver says “f*%k me Jim you’ve pulled a minger this time!”

Bedroom golf
The rules of the game.*

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole, and minimum standards of equipment maintenance will be applied.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any shrubbery around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owner's request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting to play the same hole several times in one match.

A Pole enters a bar with a parrot on his shoulder!

The bartender says “WOW, where’d you get that from?”

Parrot replies “Aberdeen, there’s thousands of them!”

A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors, David, Darren and Daisy.
They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally.

Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren she kills herself.
Sad for David and Darren, but they get over it and again nature takes it’s course.

After a couple of years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing…

….so they bury her.

In the Aberdeenshire countryside a man enters the local Catholic Church and at confessional says to the Priest, "Faither, it has been one month since my last confession, and I've sinned wi Fannie Reid every wik for i past month."

The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven.

Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Faither, it has been twa months since my last confession.

I have sinned wi Fannie Reid twice a wik for i past twa months."

This time the Priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Reid?"

"A new quine in the neighbourhood, she is affa, affa bonny, she looks a wee bit like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz" the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when a beautiful woman looking a little bit like Judy Garland, with a tiny dog a little bit like Toto enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she goes up the aisle, and sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is very short, and she is wearing shiny ruby red shoes.

The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The Priest turns to the altar boy and asks in a whisper,

"Is that Fannie Reid?"

The altar boy replies ... ..............

"A dinna think so Faither,

a think it's jist i reflection aff her shoes"

Ford and Renault are merging ideas to come up with a small economical car for women only.
It will take parts of the Renault Clio, and the Ford Taurus, and be known as the "Clitaurus".

Available only in pink, with various designs of fur on the dashboard.
The major advantage of this car is that male car thieves, even if told where it is, won't be able to find it.

Professor at Glasgow University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.


Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'


She replied,


"He's at Ibrox watching Rangers"!



It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

Two gay guys, Rupert & Cecil, are sitting in bed, when Cecil notices Rupert spreading vaseline on his chest.

Cecil asks, "Goodness Rupert, what on earth are you doing spreading all that vaseline on your chest?"

"Well" says Rupert, "I read in a magazine for gay men that if you spread vaseline on your chest it becomes hairy & I want a hairy chest!!"

Cecil replies, "Oh Rupert, if that were true dear, I'd have a ponytail growing out of my a*se!!"

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

A woman in a jeweller's shop bends over to admire a beautiful diamond ring in a display cabinet & farts.

She is very embarrased & looks round to notice the salesman standing right behind her.

With total professionalism the salesman says, " Good morning Madam, how may I help you today?"

Hoping that he hadn't heard her 'little accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely ring?"

The salesman replies, "Madam, you farted whilst just looking at it, so you're going to positively sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!!"

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.

Which is strange really, because six out of seven dwarfs aren't grumpy either!

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

The new caller at our local Mecca Bingo only lasted half a day!!

When he pulled out the number 69 he shouted, "Dinner for two, with a horrible view, six, nine, sixty-nine!"

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager says, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass the final test, you will not qualify for the job."

Mujibar says, "I am ready to do the final test, Sir."

The Personnel Manager says, "Mujibar, can you please make a sentence using the words 'yellow', 'pink' & 'green'."

Mujibar thinks for a few minutes & then says, "Mr Manager, I am ready to take the final test for the job."

The Personnel Manager says, "Go ahead Mujibar."

Mujibar smiles & says, "The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up & say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar, can I help you'."

Mujibar now works at a call centre in Delhi!

No doubt you have spoken to him; I know I have!!

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

Scouts Camping Trip



Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.

Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.