Taxi Driver Online

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone i nterview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ..
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin? [edited by admin] ... is it midnight already?'

This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

Then there was the Essex girl who......

took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.


sent a fax with a stamp on it.


tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.


thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.


thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.


thought General Motors was in the army.


tripped over a cordless phone.


spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said concentrate.


at the bottom of the job application where it says "sign here," put "Libra."


asked for a price check at the Pound Store.


studied for a blood test.


when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.


when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.


heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.


if she spoke her mind, would be speechless.


thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

silly laws


Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

In Ames, Iowa, a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions or sardines.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

A Helena, Montana, law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

Bikini car washes (where women wash cars topless) are prohibited in most states, but the fine is only $50 per incident, so places charge an extra $50 to recoup their legal costs.

Florida prohibits topless walking or running within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

North Carolina forbids sex outside of marriage, or "fornication," but the girlfriend as well as the man would have to be prosecuted.

Florida deals with its prostitution problem by giving prostitutes spending money, a five-year banishment, and a bus ticket out of town.

Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.

Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.

Chewing gum is outlawed in Singapore because it is a means of "tainting an environment free of dirt."

In Texas it's legal for a chicken to have sex with you, but it's illegal to reciprocate.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.

In Winnipeg, it is against the law to go naked in your own home if you leave the blinds up.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.


In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.


During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who wore a beard was required to pay a special tax.

Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.

Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.

Hailed as a wonder drug in the late nineteenth century, cocaine was outlawed in the United States in 1914.

Impotence is grounds for divorce in twenty-four states in the United States.

In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.

In Alaska it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an airplane or any other flying vehicle.

In ancient times, any Japanese who tried to leave his homeland was summarily put to death. In the 1630s, a decree in Japan forbade the building of any large ocean-worthy ships to deter defection.

In Canada, if a debt is higher than 25 cents, it is illegal to pay it with pennies

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.

This is his report:

Most honorable Sir,

You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,





Cheng Lee

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"

The pharmacist fainted. !!

Blonde Mortician.
A man who just died is delivered to a
local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the
deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good
in the black suit he is already wearing.

thought her husband looked his best in
blue, and that she wants him in a blue
suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank
cheque and says, 'I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a
blue suit for the viewing.'


The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband
dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a
subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him
perfectly .....

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this
cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How
much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician
presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the
cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she
says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it
cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if
she minded him going to his grave wearing
a black suit instead, and she said it made
no difference as long as he looked nice. .
So I just switched the heads.'

2 snowmen are standing in a field. One say to the other "can you smell carrots?"

_________________
Grandad,

Two Parrots on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?".

_________________
Chris The Fish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gdlyi5mc ... re=related

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!

Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving

Emily.

Dec. 26

Beloved Edward,

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always,

Emily.

Dec. 27

My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all theway from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some.

Anyway, thank you so much; they are lovely.

Your devoted Emily.

Dec. 28

Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly, they make telephoning almostimpossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily.

Dec. 29

Dearest Edward,

The postman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovelypresent! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means.

Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,

Emily.

Dec. 30

Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

Love,

Emily.

Dec. 31

Edward,

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily.

Jan. 1 Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.

Emily.

Jan. 2

Look here, Edward,

This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once!

Emily.

Jan. 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

Emily.

Jan. 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan. 5

Sir,

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the London Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,

G. Creep

Solicitor

_________________
Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

Top 10 Tiger Woods jokes on the web –


One:

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife –


Two:

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards –


Three:

Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open –


Four:

What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing –


Five:

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron –


Six:

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?


Seven:

This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards –


Eight:

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract –


Nine:

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though –


Ten:

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars, now he has a hole in one -

............. and more

Tiger drives his Escalade... hits a tree... hits a fire hydrant... goes airborne and lands on a stranger's front lawn. So Is Tiger on the green in two?

His wife accused him of having an affair. Tiger said he was just playing a provisional.

Finally Tiger has found an unplayable lie!

It's nothing serious, just a publicity stunt for his new DVD release "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant"

The tree was unavailable for comment -

That'll teach him to play a round -

Tiger got a birdie... wrong hole though -

Someone asked Elin why it took 7 swings to smash the car. She responded, "Well... Fine... put me down for a 4."

His wife had just hit a five iron, and was about to mark the ball when the police arrived.

_________________
Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

What a waste! I've just spent £25 on a DVD "Tiger, my 18 favourite holes" Turns out it's about feckin' golf!!!

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

Tiger woods is taken an indefinite break from golf but has said he will play in the Ryder cup boom boom

Paddy drags a huge box into the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin...

"Where did you get this from ?" asks the expert

"Tis been in me attic for 40yrs,i tink its an heirloom" says Paddy

"Do you have insurance ?" asks the expert

"No ! should i ?" asks Paddy

"Yeah" says the expert...."It's you're fecking water tank !!!"

This song has strong language but very funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnjKJBxVwVs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJCtOz32dnw

rofl

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.