Taxi Driver Online

I HAVE ONLY 1 QUESTION

Where did they put the rest of him
http://www.mind-mansion.com/Tombstones/Hiscock.bmp

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
?
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

An Irishman cleaning his rifle shot his wife and called '999', he says to the operator "It's my wife I accidentally shot her, I think she's dead!" The operator says "Please calm down sir, can you first make sure that she really is dead?" 'CLICK ... BANG!' ...... "Okay done that whats next?"




Just met paddy who was sporting a beautiful black eye,, "What happen to you" i said... "I met this girl on a blind date last night and we were getting on great until we went to the bedroom". "Please be gentle with me as I have acute angina" she said. She then wiped off her top to which I replied, "thats good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!" WHAMM !!



Officer shouts orders to a nearby soldier.With considerable bravery,Paddy ran directly onto the field of battle,in the line of fire,to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.In a hail of bullets,he ran back to safety."Private,"officer said,"I'm recommending you for a medal.You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.""Warehouses!?" Paddy shouted. "I thought you said Lady of the Night!"

Which one of these two scenarios would you choose

SKIPPY

All rise
Skippy V stupid council
case as stated colour of cab
Your honor this is an open and shut case for the defence,
Skippy to Stupid councilor Q, where does it state in the act or any act that taxis owners must paint there cabs any colour the council wants.
A,eemmmmmm it does not, we sort of made it up to suit ourselves
Q Do you know how much, and where the feck owners are meant to get the daft colour from
A,eeeeeeemmmmmm NO
Q, If you where taken to a taxi rank would you be able to point out a taxi,or point one out on the street to the court,
A, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem nope.
Q Why
A, because we have said they are meant to be Bristol Blue
Q, would the fact that they have a nice 4 letter word on the roof help you recognise them as taxis, you can read 4 letter words can you not??
A, yes
Q, Is that a yes to the first part or the second,
A, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmmmmmm im not sure what you mean
Q, come now stupid councilor I may call you that can I not, do you know what a taxi looks like??
A, yes
Q, have you ever been in one??
A, yes last year went to the civic ball
Q, and you had no difficulty in recognising the taxi when it came to your house to pick you up
A, no
Q, so why force hard working taxi owners , to spend loads of money on something that was dreamt up by some council jobsworth
A, I was not at the meeting so cannot comment
Q, but you voted for it did you not
A, yes
Q, so you voted for something you did not understand or have any knowledge about.
A, I suppose so
There we have it your honor a daft idea dreamt up by council jobsworths who don't have a fecking clue what time of day it is
I rest my case

Judgment in full favor of skippy, and costs awarded of a 1 million, council to re emburse owners who have had it done and pay to have the ones done already put back to there original colour, and pay every owner £1,000 loss of earnings while its being done

TOOTS

I think it might go a little more like this:-

Court bailiff:- All rise for his honor wtf

His honor wtf:- Wtf do we have here? Oh yes, right, ok lets go.

Counsel for the LA:- To make things easier for the public your honor we have decided that all taxis should be the same colour. The specific colour we have choosen is not your regular colour that you can get off the shelf but is indeed a specialised colour. We felt this was necessary so that no other vehicle within our licensing authority could be mistaken for a taxi, your honour. Whilst we appreciate that in the current climate the extra expense on the taxi driver may be a little strain we did give them some years to save up and have the job done. With regard to their job we felt that they would agree to have this specialist colour for their cabs rather than to have no job, your honour. Mr Skippy the counsel for the taxi drivers will have us believe that it is unreasonable to expect all drivers to pay upwards of £4,000 to have their vehicle resprayed this rather marvelous blue. It is our belief that our request is reasonable and justified. Once you have heard counsel for the taxi drivers you will agree your honour. (nods, smiles and sits down)

Mr Skippy:- (stands to address the court) Your honour.........

His honour Wtf:- Stop, stop, stop.......... Mr Skippy wtf is that on your head?

Mr Skippy:- It's my wig your honour

His honour Wtf:- Wtf is that you're wearing?

Mr Skippy:- It's a gown your honour

His honour Wtf:- Wtf is that in your hand?

Mr Skippy:- It's my cap your honour, I know it should be on my head, but, there's a rabbit in it your honour and it won't stay still

His honour Wtf:- Why have you a rabbit in your cap?

Mr Skippy:- It's quite simple your honour I was going to show the court that the taxi drivers could no more produce from their caps £4,000 than I could produce from this cap a rabbit

His honour Wtf:- ........ but you said the rabbit wouldn't keep still that's why you weren't wearing your cap. Now there is either a rabbit in the cap and you can produce it or there isn't a rabbit in the cap and you've just lied in court

Mr Skippy:- It's not your regular type rabbit your honour. It has batteries and I couldn't find the switch to turn it off with your honour

His honour Wtf:- Wtf are you doing with a battery operated rabbit in court

Mr Skippy:- Well I tried to explain to the drivers that this wasn't the kind of rabbit I was talking about but they insisted it was appropriate to express exactly what is happening your honour.

His honour Wtf:- Wtf are you on about Mr Skippy, how will that be useful in explaining exactly what is happening in this case and how the drivers feel it will be of use in their defence

Mr Skippy:- We felt we would ask counsel for the LA to bend over so we could stick it up his ass so he too could feel what it was like to be shafted your honour

His honour Wtf:- Bailiff take this man away!!!

Some weeks later via Royal Mail

Dear Skippy,

I hope they are treating you well and the walls are nice and padded cos we'd hate to think of you hurting yourself. I've enclosed some crayons and hopefully they'll take the jacket off so you can use them. We all miss you.

Take care
Toots and the rest of TDO

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MAGIC TRACTOR

























IT TURNED INTO A FEILD

Not exactly fun but in answer....



Your Honour I refer you to section 47 of the 1976 act;

47 Licensing of hackney carriages..

(1)A district council may attach to the grant of a licence of a hackney carriage under the Act of 1847 such conditions as the district council may consider reasonably necessary..

(2)Without prejudice to the generality of the foregoing subsection, a district council may require any hackney carriage licensed by them under the Act of 1847 to be of such design or appearance or bear such distinguishing marks as shall clearly identify it as a hackney carriage..

(3)Any person aggrieved by any conditions attached to such a licence may appeal to a magistrates’ court.

_________________
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

I hope they do

[/quote]

I didnt say it was reasoable, I dont agree with colour policies.

I merely pointed to the section of the act which the council can lawfully use.

CC

_________________
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

.....Young boy looking at own testicles ... asks mum 'Are these my brains?'... Mum replies 'Not yet son' !!!

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

not meaning to cause offence, so my apologies if this does, I have to admit to loling (new word?) when I was sent this by email. brilliant dubbing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3YRWhg4YaA

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

The Late Thierry Henry!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxprvrFQpiE

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'why'?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

This boys got all the moves http://theuglydance.com/?v=zdfratfxcj

The police came to my door the other day and said why did you push the old woman over at the cash point and I said because she asked me to check her balance

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Life? Don't talk to me about life!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjm2eslm6hI