Taxi Driver Online

Is ours the only trade where the customer doesn't want us to "Go the extra mile"?

_________________
Chris The Fish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gdlyi5mc ... re=related

Long ago in the middle east:

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks. And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO ," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

I was sacked today for having sex in the back of my taxi with a customer.


I say taxi...............



Technically it's a hearse!!

No shortage of stiffs then?

_________________
IDFIMH

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies,“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies,“My wife.”

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St.
Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge
Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of
these 100 year old twin bitteys. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to
her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each
other.
Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

if Dustin Hoffman was born Scottish............


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40sYTO74 ... r_embedded

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's apparently true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark and foggy night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.

John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door .... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other........


"Look Paddy ...... there's that bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it"

_________________
My heart is heavy, but my consience clear,
I voted Yes, without any fear.

Went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it - it was a shihtzu.
...................................

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

...................................

A classic Tommy Cooper gag: "I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'

The violin club at our local school has had to close due to lack of interest, then again i thought that calling it "Kiddy Fiddlers" wasnt a great name choice

----------------------------------------------------------------------


The big bad wolf said the red riding hood, get yer tits out for me to suck, she pulled her skirt up and said "no, eat me like it says in the book"

------------------------------------------------------------------

My mates missus has just left him, took the kids and his satellite box and dish, poor sod....................... No woman, No sky.....

-------------------------------------------------------------------


Have you got the correct sex insurance?

sex with the wife - Legal and General
sex on the phone - Direct line
sex with a partner - standard life
sex with someone different - go compare
sex with a fat bird - more than
sex in a birds car -- shielas wheels
sex with a posh bird - privileged
sex with transvestite - confused.com

-------------------------------------------------------------

Gary Glitter is almost off the booze, hes down to two tots a day

--------------------------------------------------------------

The Bin Laden cocktail - one hot and a splash of water

---------------------------------------------------------------

Bin Ladens DNA showed traces of milk, coconut and flavourings, probably due to the bounty on his head


--------------------------------------------------------------

whats the difference between a zit and a catholic priest?

a zit comes on your face AFTER puberty

_________________
Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

A traffic cop on duty in Bradford pulled over an immaculate 2001 Toyota Avensis to caution the driver for doing 33mph in a 30mph limit area.

The cop approached the car and the smiling driver wound down the window. The cop observed the driver and front seat passenger were gentlemen of Asian appearance, Smartly dressed in traditional male Asian garb.

“Good afternoon Sir” said the cop, “I asked you to stop because you were travelling at 33mph in a 30mph limit”

“Short back and sides” replied the driver.

The cop was puzzled but asked the driver “May I see your driving license please”

“Permanent wave” said the driver, still politely smiling.

“Sir” exclaimed the cop, “I am concerned with your last 2 comments and sincerely hope you are not trying to take the mick”

“Blow dry and tint” said the driver now looking worried”

“Your last chance” says the cop, now getting very annoyed, “what is your name and address?”

“Crew cut, mullet, pony tail” Says the driver

The cop was just about to really lose it when the front seat passenger leaned towards the cop and in heavily accented English said “Do please excuse my friend, no disrespect intended but he only speaks Hair Do”

a chap takes his seat in business class on a BA flight to New York, once airbrne and just as he is nodding off on his leather recliner seat he hears a voice saying "nice suit sir, saville row?" but there is no-one there, he thinks must have been dreaming

he settles down

5 minutes late he hears a voice "i like your shoes, gucci?"

hes startled, he is alone in the business section, and there are no staff in view, he setles down again

a few minutes later a voice says "i like you hair sir"

he jumps up and runs to the cabin crew and relates the events of the flight so far

after a few minutes reflection the stewardess says "ah, that would have been the COMPLIMENTARY peanuts....."

_________________
Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

Just got my Olympic 2012 application back..

I missed out on Men's 100m final but ended up with 25'000 West Ham v Doncaster tickets.

_________________
IDFIMH

EUROPEAN ALERT STATUS

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from ‘Miffed’ to ‘Peeved.’ Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to ‘Irritated’ or even ‘A Bit Cross.’ The English have not been ‘A Bit Cross’ since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from ‘Tiresome’ to ‘A Bloody Nuisance.’ The last time the British issued a ‘Bloody Nuisance’ warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from ‘Pi$$ed Off’ to ‘Let's Get the B*stards.’ They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from ‘Run’ to ‘Hide.’ The only two higher levels in France are ‘Collaborate’ and ‘Surrender.’ The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from ‘Shout Loudly and Excitedly’ to ‘Elaborate Military Posturing.’ Two more levels remain: ‘Ineffective Combat Operations’ and ‘Change Sides.’

The Germans have increased their alert state from ‘Disdainful Arrogance’ to ‘Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.’ They also have two higher levels: ‘Invade a Neighbour’ and ‘Lose.’

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from ‘No worries’ to ‘She'll be right, Mate.’ Two more escalation levels remain: ‘Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!’ and ‘The barbie is cancelled.’ So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Attributed to John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.