Taxi Driver Online

A little English boy is playing in the kitchen and he see’s his Scottish next door neighbours grandson Tam arrive. He goes to play with his friend.

‘Why you wearing a skirt?’ the English boy innocently asks his Scottish friend. ‘Och this is a kilt, all Scots wear kilts’ wee Tam explains.

Sniff ‘Giz a go’ says the English boy and wee Tam obliges.

With this the English boy puts on Tam’s kilt and goes back to his house to see his mother. “Mummy, look at me! I’m not a little English boy anymore I’m a little Scottish boy!”

WHACK! His mum slaps his cheek and says “You should be proud to be English, go and tell your Father what you just said!”

So the English boy, complete with sore cheek walks into the living room and says to his Father “Daddy look at me! I’m not a English boy any more I’m a wee Scots boy!”

WHACK! His father smacks him on the other cheek, “You’re English, go tell your Gran what you just said!”

So the little English boy sobs his way into the garden and says to his Gran “Granny look at me! I’m Scottish! I’m Scottish!”

WHACK! His gran picks him up, smacks his bottom so that its red and asks him what he has to say for himself.

Standing there with swollen cheeks, clutching his tanned backside he says “I’ve only been Scottish 5 minutes and hate you English b*stards already!”

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

I went out saturday night, was having a great time at the disco, they played "jump" - so i jumped, then they played "the twist" so i twisted


then they played "come on eileen" and thats when it went kinda pear shaped....

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Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

Sam Allardyce is walking thru a council estate and sees some coloured kids about 7 playing 5 a side footy


one chips the ball up, over his head, traps it, spins round, does that thing with the ball between his heels, does a bicycle kick and shoots 20 yards and scores

Sam walks over and says "son, your good, heres my card pop round the Hammers for a try out"

the kid replies "sod off, its bad enough being black"

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Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

Two young businessmen were sitting down for a
break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks
set up.
>
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're
selling."
>
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a
loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
>
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be
doing well. Only two left."

Just finished a 48 hour shift at the hairdressers - I'm completely laquered.

Gave a 4 year old a box of matches to play with, I know it's wrong but you should have seen their little face light up !

Sat Nav - where would we be without it?

Friendships - ideal for sending your mates to sea.

I bought the new CD of U2's Greatest Hits Remastered. They've edited out the guitar parts. I think it takes the edge off it a bit.

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Nobody told me to use my initiative. To err is human to arr is pirate.

Well this made me laugh.

http://www.happyplace.com/9907/david-th ... iving-hell

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IDFIMH

At the end of a taxi journey the young female passenger asks how much the fare is, '£15 replies the driver'. At that the lady hikes her skirt up and says 'why don't you take it out of this'. The driver looks down and says.....................



..............'You havn't got anything smaller have you ?'

A Scotsman, Englishman,Irishman,Welshman,Latvian,Turk, Auzzie, , German, Yank, Jap, Mexican, Spaniard , Russian, Pole, Luthuanian, swede, Finn, Israeli, Romanian, Bulgarian, Serb , Swiss , Greek, Singaporean, Italian, Norwegian and a African, all went to a niteclub, the bouncer said , 'sorry lads canny let ya in with oot a Thai

A man who had just died was
delivered to a local mortuary
wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The female blond mortician
asked the deceased's wife how
she would like the body dressed.
She pointed out that the man did
look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.

The widow, however, said that
she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that
she wanted him in a blue suit.
She gave the blond mortician a
blank check and said, 'I don't
care what it costs, but please
have my husband in a blue suit
for the viewing.'

The woman returned the next
day for the wake. To her delight,
she found her husband dressed
in a gorgeous blue suit with a
subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fit him perfectly...

She said to the mortician,
'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied.. You did an excellent
job and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blond
mortician presents her with the
blank check.

'There's no charge,' she said.

'No, really, I must compensate
you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!' she said.

'Honestly, mam, the blond
said, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about
your husband's size was brought
in shortly after you left yesterday,
and he was wearing an attractive
blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave
wearing a black suit instead, and
she said it made no difference as
long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

You prat Tony, I've just spayed lager all over my keyboard!

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Grandad,

Wullie and Jimmy were a couple of drinking pals who worked as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport . One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Wullie said, "Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!"..

Jimmy says, "Me as weel. Y'ken, I've heard ye can swallie jet fuel an' get a buzz.

Ye gonnae try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hootch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Wullie wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings...It's Jimmy.

Jimmy says, "Hey, how dae ye feel this mornin'?"

Wullie says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yersel'?"

Jimmy says, "Ah feel great, tae. Dae ye hiv a sair heid?"

Wullie says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae hangover, nothin' We need tae drink this stuff insteed o' Smirnoff."

"Aye! But there's just wan thing..."

"Whit's that?"

"Huv ye farted yet?"

"Naw.."

"Well, DINNAE, 'cause ah'm in Dusseldorf !"

Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone i...n your house?" He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me". Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." Phillip said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson's residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available"

You lied first!!

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Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth!!

How to maintain your Series 2 Landrover

It's been on the web for qiute a while and a lot of the technology relates Windows '98se, so many of you youngsters may find it slightly bewildering!

http://www.tanygraig.force9.co.uk/John/vlr/form.htm

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Don't dream it ~ Be it.