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Why?
I quite fancy a new cab, indeed taking advice from my son, Connor, he is actually quite insistent. I know the current one is only six months old, I know it’s been very reliable and has caused no problems. But the problem is it’s a Skoda and in being a Skoda, due to a growing reputation as a quality vehicle, it’s as (in my 11yr olds words) as common as sh*te. (I don’t know where he learned that nasty word from either).
Connor wants a Mercedes or one of those Chrysler things, the emphasis is on big, as befits his status, unfortunately, he also insists we must get a Black one with blacked out windows, and this is where the problems start.
You see, whilst I agree that Skoda’s are, due to no fault of theirs, common, I also think that Black would be an ideal choice, unfortunately my local authority doesn’t concur, as the licensing policy for saloon hackneys is ‘white’ only and shaded windows are a definite no-no.
My son firmly believes that a white Mercedes or Chrysler would make me look like a pimp (I blame the parents), this would obviously mean buying a new hat with feather, as well as zebra skinned seat covers.
A black one would give the impression of a ‘gangsta’ (no typo that’s how the ‘kids’ spell it) and I could make full use of my ‘fifty cents’ and ‘’Dr Dre’ CD’s, indeed, I could even get one of those suspensions that dances.
I wonder why all saloon hackneys in Carlisle have to be white? Are the public so stupid that if taxis were another colour they wouldn’t recognise the vehicle? Are the public so dim that they cannot recognise a saloon taxi in despite of two door signs that state ‘TAXI’, a roof-sign that illuminates and states ‘TAXI’ and a plate on the back of the vehicle that states ‘HACKNEY CARRIAGE’?
Colour policies in those towns and Cities where there are an abundance of private hire vehicles are quite understandable, after all, we don’t want the public getting into vehicles they shouldn’t, but Carlisle has an over-abundance of Hackney Carriages and a comparatively low number of private hire vehicles. Whilst I am sure illegal plying for hire does go on, it is a rarity as opposed to the norm.
After speaking with some drivers, they are seemingly quite happy with the colour restriction, they believe the policy should stay. I wonder why. I mean what’s it got to do with them what colour my cab is? If they want white, fair enough carry on buying white, but why p*ss on my lawn?
The tinted glass policy was slightly more embarrassing to explain to my son. The only explanation possible is the council or government believe licensed drivers will instantly turn into sexual deviants once a cab has tinted glass.
Infamy
Quite obviously I have a well deserved growing reputation as a writer of some note. I feel this mantle is well deserved and long overdue, and facing facts I truly deserve every accolade. Although I would wager my column has deteriorated into an opinion as opposed to a column.
I noticed Alf Townsend’s better half was bemoaning the fact he’d been relegated to page 999 in the last issue, I must advise I was once offered the rear pages myself, the title ‘Casey in the rear’ didn’t really appeal (must be a Northern fing) so after sending the taxitalk staff a extra bottle of booze at Christmas (aye right) I was swiftly awarded the accolade of star columnist and leading light (LL SC).
The above aside my infamy seems to be growing, my words have led to apparent resignations and phone calls from various people asking me if I was going to write about them with a certain degree of trepidation. I wish to assure you, being a pain in the arse takes time and effort, you wouldn’t believe the amount of training I have to go through with my family. ‘Dad, can I have some money to go up town with? Tasha should you go up town looking like an umpa lumpa?’ you get the general impression.
Of course, I will write about anyone, any body or any association I so wish, and if you send a cheque to taxitalk made payable ‘the Casey Assist’s Super Heroes’ fund for under-privileged taxi drivers called Wayne Casey (or CASH for short) I will give you all the plaudits you and your cheque deserve (higher the amount the more the plaudit).
As I am sure regular readers will be aware, the taxitalk decision to put two semi clad vixens on the front cover of the April issue caused a bit of a stir with some local authorities and a stir in the loins of those sad individuals (such as myself) who seem to find such titillation actually appealing to the eye. Apparently semi clad vixens are not politically correct, it upsets those ‘wimmin’ who invariably wear polo-necks, wear glasses that look like something designed by the Gestapo, are for want of a better term, errm fat, and have armpit hair (four stereotypes for the price of one). Or indeed, those wimmin who have bodies like flumps and wear track suits as they feel ‘comfortable’. (This must be the longest suicide note ever published in taxitalk). (No Wayne that was your April column...ed).
Obviously in those council offices the magazine was put safely out of reach of children, placed alongside such ‘X’ rated material as Audit commission reports, council minutes and councillor expenses.
In my opinion taxitalk should free itself from such prudishness and introduce a page three girl instead of a picture of Derek Cummins, although I understand Derek is a good outside bet at this year’s taxitalk wet ‘T’ shirt competition.
If I had my way the NTA conference would be somewhere near Amsterdam, if for no other reason (than I could possibly get away with) than something almost to do with the Dutch taxi trade.
The thing that upsets me is that I spend a great deal of time and effort trying to upset licensing officers and local authorities, all with little response, the tag team of ‘double D’ put semi clad maidens on the front cover and ‘hey presto’ outrage!
As I have written before, this column is actually my own, it is not the NTA’s, fair enough, those who aren’t NTA members are very probably infidels, but there you go, and as I’ve explained on countless occasions, particularly to the dim-witted and slow, if the NTA feel the need to write anything useful, I will invariably write that in another bit.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
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FAQ
and the real kicker, PH in my town is 70% immigrant and there seems to be 10 fare scales going on, the butt cheap one they are supposed to adhere to, the I'll put 50p on and hope they don't say nothing, the proper hack meter rates and the I'm going to have the ass out of you rate which varies between a 20% load to a 100% load if the driver thinks you can be conned that easy.
